Rewind
by reig
Summary: I saw you on the corner holding hands with someone new, Happy as a boy could be, Love was in your eyes and yeah she looked the same way too, It's funny that was almost me. (lyrich from Diane Birch's Rewind) At the end of season 2 Beckett is left with a broken heart and Castle is gone. What could have happened?
1. Chapter 1

**Hey guys! A few months has passed since my last fanfiction for Castle, but I was working on another story and didn't want to undertake too much and be overburdened with two stories to update.  
This is a story that I started a while back but never finished and now I found it on my computer. And I thought why not post it and see what you think about it?  
The whole idea is from a song, Diane Birch's Rewind, which I had been listening to a lot back then and which I really recommend to everyone who doesn't know it...  
The story starts at the end of season two but it will develop through the third and probably the fourth season as well. I'll use quite a lot of scenes from the actual show but I will have a hidden storyline in there that may give things a different meaning. It might not make any sense right now, but you'll see…  
I hope you guys will enjoy it! :)  
Oh, and sorry for any grammatical mistake or any other errors on the way, I'm not a native speaker but I'll try really hard not to make mistakes! Thanks for your understanding!**

_Disclaimer: No matter how much I wish I did, I don't own Castle. Though I belive it's in pretty good hands… _

_Chapter 1_

Kate Beckett sat in her office chair, deep in thought trying to figure out the meaning. The meaning of the dark feeling inside her chest, the wave of loss she felt when Castle had announced he was leaving.

Esposito's words were replaying in her head. _'…whatever the reason is, I'm pretty sure it doesn't include watching you be with another guy!'_

It stuck in her head and she couldn't get rid of it. He was right and she knew it. But she didn't know what to do, it was all so complicated when it came to Castle.

After all, she was with Tom now, who was just an amazing guy…She didn't want to hurt him and she wasn't even sure what she wanted from Castle. She used to act like she hated that he was there, but honestly she had gotten used to it. He made work so easy with his absurd theories and every day he walked in the office with a coffee for her in his hand, and Beckett could see that the guys loved having him around too. The thought of never seeing him again cut into her heart as a cold knife and she avoided it carefully. Until now, because sitting there alone in the bullpen she couldn't stop the stream of ideas what it would be like without him.  
When she heard the soft thud of footsteps coming towards her she looked up. She knew it wasn't Castle, it couldn't be. But there was still some hope in her heart when her eyes travelled the form.  
It was Tom, he had a smile on his face. One that could melt her heart only a day ago. But now, somehow she found it neutral. He was just a guy, like everybody else. Of course a little more…She had been really into him. A guy who was cute and tough at the same time, who could make her smile with his romantic things and he really was a great kisser she had to admit. But now as she was looking at him she didn't feel that sparkle anymore.

When he got next to her and asked if she was ready to go she nodded automatically and all the while her brain was working on ways to tell him.  
Finally she decided that maybe she shouldn't do it tonight. One night wouldn't hurt anyone and Tom deserved one more happy night. She knew it would break him and she hated the thought that she will have to cause him so much pain. But it was the right thing to do…

They walked out of the bullpen, Tom followed her closely and she smiled at him in their way out. Maybe it was just a sudden feeling, maybe… Hopefully it will cease in the morning!

* * *

Next morning Beckett was sitting at her desk again. Feeling the same confusion because it didn't fade. She hadn't had any sleep at night and she couldn't help but feel bad as Tom pulled her close in his sleep and hugged her to his side.

She pulled out her notebook and wrote down some of her thoughts. Maybe it will help her to understand the tangled ways of this situation.  
Castle was going to spend the summer in the Hamptons. She wanted to go with him, or tell him not to go, so desperately. But she didn't know anything sure about him. Just like that, with one sentence he could break her heart. And he didn't even notice.

Well, that wasn't exactly true. He must have noticed it, he was Castle. He noticed everything. But this time he didn't do anything to make it right. He didn't apologize or looked at her with that regretting face. Not even a sad puppy eye…

Tom never did anything like that. He was trustworthy and reliable. And she loved that about him. He was a secure point in her life.

Her pen moved on its own, sketching her thoughts on the paper. When she read it over she pressed her lips together and shook her head slightly. The result wasn't too helpful either.

She checked her watch and realized with a sigh that it was getting late. Castle will arrive soon and she had a theory she wanted to confirm before he got there.

After ten minutes of reading through files and waiting for financials to come in she sat on the edge of a desk, in front of her murder board and she looked at the pictures. She couldn't be sure, but she had a pretty good clue now…

That was when she heard the oh-so-familiar footsteps and she looked up to find him walking towards her. She greeted him with a confused voice. He had a troubled face and she wanted to know the reason. Her eyes shifted unintentionally from his face down to his hands where she could see only one coffee. He hadn't brought one for her….

She tried not to think about it and instead she focused on his words. First it seemed like he was going to tell her something serious, something really important. Sometimes he had this face that made her think he was going to say something about them.

But what was she thinking? There was no such thing as 'them'!

At that moment he had that face. She felt the hope rise in her chest only to find out he was sharing an idea of his with her about the case.

She felt ridiculous about thinking maybe he would try to fight for her… When she heard what his thoughts were about the case she had to smile though. The exact same thing as her own guesses. Like their brains would have been connected. Like they could have read the other's mind…

And she had to realize it wasn't the first time they had a moment like this. Maybe she shouldn't ignore the signs?

* * *

Castle was waiting for Beckett in the bullpen later that day. He had a sad feeling when he thought about the fact that this might be his last case. Maybe his last case with the guys ever… He wanted to come back. He really enjoyed the whole thing. He had to admit it wasn't just about the books anymore…and it wasn't just about Kate anymore either. Of course the biggest part was her, but he found out he liked the job too. It was diverse, it was full of twists and anything but boring. Like a good novel! He would truly feel bad if he couldn't come back.

But he wasn't sure he could stand seeing Beckett with Demming anymore. Watching her together with another guy made his heart ache. He was damn jealous and now he was a little angry at her too. She never even gave him a chance. And he thought it was because they worked together, but now that couldn't be her excuse because Demming was working here too…

Still, he couldn't be mad at her for more than a second. As she was waiting for him that morning, there, in front of her white board, he thought she must be the most beautiful woman on Earth. She was looking at him with those glamorous eyes of hers and he was lost. He just felt miserable that she didn't want him…

He sat down into her office chair with a sigh and stared in front of him. He didn't want to leave. But he couldn't stay, not like this anyway… Maybe he could try to tell her how he feels. She had surprised him before, maybe… But no! That was just ridiculous. Kate Beckett wouldn't break up with her boyfriend just because he said it hurt him. She probably wouldn't even take him seriously.

As he ran his eyes through her desk something caught his eye. It was a little notebook, half hidden between the packs of paperwork. It was written in Beckett's handwriting, with those slightly italic words, her elegant, long loops… He would recognise it anytime! He didn't want to read it first, but as he noticed it his eyes automatically read the first words.

_'I think I love him…  
Tom, he is just so nice and handsome and funny and he loves me to pieces. I can clearly see it…'_

Castle stopped reading right there and turned his eyes away. He stood up from her desk and took some steps away, not wanting to be close to that piece of paper. He didn't want to read how she loved Demming, how she wrote down her feelings on that paper. He felt like he would give the whole world to have her write down her feelings _for him_ like that! He would give anything to see how she described her feelings for one, named Rick Castle…  
With his heart aching he closed his eyes shut and swayed his head. This wasn't anything new for him, still he felt like his heart had been broken into millions of tiny pieces as he read the words. He wanted to go back in time and not read it, or just erase the memory from his brain.

With a sudden decision he pulled out his phone and flipped it open. He typed a short message to Gina about wanting to come with him to the Hamptons and sent it. He closed his eyes again and hoped that he wouldn't regret this. They had a great talk yesterday night and at that moment he really felt like he would like to have Gina with him in the summer…

„Hey, you okay?" he heard her soft voice, close beside him and when he opened his eyes he saw Beckett's worried face. He nodded but avoided her eyes. From the corner of his eyes he saw her expression, cofused but not wanting to be pushy…

„Yeah, can we go?" he askeed quietly and she led the way to the elevator. He wasn't going to say anything about the note he wasn't even supposed to see.

* * *

Castle checked his phone as he hurried home to get Alexis. There was a message waiting for him, from Gina.

_No thanks Rick. I think I'm good here… G._

He grinned and shook his head. He quickly typed his answer before he put the phone into his pocket.

_Come on, it will be fun! Please, I could really use some pushing in writing! We both know how good you are in that!;) Rick_

He jumped the stairs to his loft and entered with a shout for his daughter. He heard her voice from her room and went to the kitchen to make a coffee for himself.  
He thought about his offer for Gina and realized that he really wanted her to come. They had a real good talk yesterday, like in old times. Finally, they understood each other and didn't fight. It was comforting to talk to someone who knew him so well, and to be honest, he missed Gina. She was kind and smart and funny. Alexis loved her, and she adored Alexis. And even his mother liked Gina, actually she introduced her to him, so she must have liked her much!  
Maybe, trying again with her would be a nice idea… Or at least a good distraction from Beckett.  
He and Beckett had a strange connection, something he had never felt before. He mostly experienced it when he looked into her eyes, sometimes she gave him that look, for example that day when he told her that he is coming home to pick up Alexis. She had that tender expression on her lovely face as she looked at him which gave him chills and made him curious about how he deserved it…

But with Gina, they had their moments too. They weren't even similar to the ones with Beckett but he could be sure about Gina. Not like with Beckett.  
And for instant, he found himself only remembering the good memories with Gina. None of the bad ones seemed to come up in his mind, or if they did, he realised that it wasn't important…

* * *

She was sure. She finally opened her eyes and saw the signs. Which in fact all pointed to one person. To Castle, of course.  
Even the Captain seemed to notice that there is someting between them, or so she thought after his comment at the end of the case. The boys had been giving her the hints and the looks since Castle joined their team and Lanie gave her a hard time about him too. Maybe they all saw. Everybody saw, but her…  
Now that it was clear to her it all seemed more easy than before. She knew what she had to do. First of all, finishing the case, then talking with Tom. That was a tough thing, she knew it would be. But it had to be done. Tom and Castle both deserved it.  
After she was done with all of these, she had one thing left to do. Her heart was beating high in her throat when she asked Castle to come out with her. She could feel the curious eyes of the team on her back when they walked out and adrenaline cursed through her veins.

She faced him and looked up to him and suddenly she felt like she could do this! That maybe, this could work….  
She found it hard to describe how she felt without giving herself away completely. Without making herself ridiculous, though she was sure Castle wouldn't laugh at her. He smiled at her with his gentle, warm smile and the corners of his eyes crinkled, like his eyes were smiling at her too. She wanted to tell him, tell him all that she felt. How much she changed since he was with her, how different and better her life was. Tell him that she needed him, and she wanted to go with him… Anywhere he went.

But then she heard the voice. _Richard_. Nobody ever called him that except his mother. But this woman certainly wasn't Martha. When she saw who was talking she felt a skip in her chest. Gina approached and all her braveness, and hope disappeared. Mostly when she came up to Castle and he hugged her.  
She tried not to show it. Her immediate heartbreak at this sight. She just forced some nice words out and blinked hard. Pictures of an imaginary life with Rick Castle just disappeared and left nothing behind. Only cold, painful, lonely thoughts. When he said goodbye she wanted to jump into his arms and hug him. Hug him so that he would know how she felt. That she didn't want to let him go… But all she got was a friendly handshake.

She was alone.

She couldn't help herself as she called after him. She watched him go and everything in her ached and she desperately wanted something, anything to hold on to. A little hope…

She stood there, thinking how ridiculous she was. It was supposed to happen like this. She kept ignoring him, and rejecting him and still she was hoping that he would wait. But she couldn't blame him for not waiting.  
She waited for minutes, not moving, not thinking. She was dazed, her brain frozen but she didn't want out of the situation. Being like this, emotionless, motionless, blunt to everything around her was easy now. She could bear all of it this way. Or at least, it wasn't that horrible…

She felt the sympathetic, pitiful looks of her team, her best friend, her capitain. She didn't want to face it she didn't have the strength. She felt embarrassed and miserable. She just wanted a long bath, a glass of wine and a good book, one that always distracted her from her pain. But then again, no… She didn't want the last one. Not in this case. This time a good Castle novel couldn't make it any better…

* * *

She slammed the front door of her apartment and threw her bag on the table. Her notebook slipped out of it and when she saw it she grabbed it and tore the last page out. The one she wrote about her feelings…  
With tears in her eyes she folded it and for a second she considered throwing it out, but then changed her mind and just put it down on the table in her living room.

She collapsed on her couch, and kicked off her shoes to pull her legs up to her chest. Her sobs were escaping and she felt the pain wash over her. There was no one to see it, or hear her muffled voices of hurt, she was alone. She didn't have to act strong for anybody. She let her crying overtake her and closed her eyes. She buried her face in her arm and let it out…

Beckett fell asleep on her couch, heart and eyes aching as she woke up in the middle of the night. She pulled a blanket over herself and closed her eyes again, feeling empty. As she remembered on her day a tear escaped her again and she turned her head so she could push her face into the pillow. She wanted out, she wanted to feel okay and neutral and not think about Castle every awake minute.

As she found out that she couldn't fall back into sleep she slowly sat up on her couch and reached for her phone. It was on the table where she left it next to the piece of paper with her notes. Her fingers grazed over the paper and she let out a huge, heartbreaking sigh. She sniffled and wiped her cheek with her palm and with the other hand she pushed a button on her phone to make the screen light up. Then she saw on the clock that it was 4 a.m.  
There was no need to force herself back to sleep so she pulled her note closer and with a skip of a heartbeat she read it through. It was painful and still she couldn't say that it was just a moment of an emotion. She still felt the ovewhelming weight of the words, even now that she was reading her own thoughts back.

With a sudden decision she pulled out her notebook and flipped it open at a blank page. She bit the end of her pen for a second before she released it from her mouth and with a deep sigh she started writing.

_'Dear Rick,  
First of all, I want to say thank you for pushing your way through every barrier I put in front of you and making yourself the member of our team without me noticing it! Without you I couldn't have realised how much a person can change. Without you my life was all about work, and no fun, but since I met you suddenly my work became so much more fun!'_

She wiped her eyes again then continued writing. Putting her every feeling into words, writing down everything. It felt surprisingly refreshing and cleansing. Her aching soul felt a little release, like it would have been lighter if she wrote it down. She wrote her fears, her hurt, her heart in that letter. And pretty surprised herself that she wasn't afraid to write the words 'I loved you!' in it. But after all, he would probably never see this paper. She wanted to write 'I love you' but she wasn't sure she could make it… He had hurt her badly and she only realised her feelings for a few days.

In less than thrity minutes she wrote two pages and when she finally put her pen down and tore the pages out of her notebook her hand was hurting. Interesting that her heart seemed to hurt less now… It was there, pulsing through her every time she thought about it, but she could push it aside. Just for a little time. And maybe, in time her bruises would heal and she would be able to survive a whole day without falling apart while thinking about a certain writer, named Richard Castle.

**So, this was the first chapter! I would love to hear your opinion and insights about it and I'm dying to know if you guys are interested in this story! So please leave me a review, it would be highly appreciated! :)  
I hope you liked it and thank you all for reading and an even bigger thanks goes out to those who take their time to write me a review! It means a lot to me!  
Next chapter will probably be up in a week, but it all depends on how much time I'll have to write now that school has started again. I'll do my best to be quick though! Until then, xxx**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey guys! First of all, thank you so much for the great feedback on the first chapter! It made me really happy to see that you are interested! Thanks for the alerts and favorites and the reviews, you all made my days brighter! :)  
I was going to update sooner, but I was crazy busy. Being a senior in high school is harder and takes up more time than I thought…  
Now, the new chapter is a bit shorter than usual, but I try to cut the chapters in a logical way… Usually before a time jump, or something like that. I really hope you will like it though! **

_Disclaimer: Sadly, I still don't own Castle…_

_Chapter 2_

It had been a rough summer. It was damn hard and Beckett knew it wasn't just for her. Ryan and Esposito and even the Captain did feel the misery she had been through, and they also suffered from her pain as they tried really hard not to say or do anything that would make her heart ache even more. On her bad days she was even rude with them and she felt guilty every time because she knew they didn't deserve it.

She wrote to the letter several times, edited it and completed it. Crossed lines and wrote another three pages to it. It was her safe place, her sanctuary when she was hurting.

And this summer she learned not to fall so easily. She had let her guard down and let Castle in, somehow in the time spent together he managed to get inside her wall and get to her in a way no one ever had before. So when he left her it broke her even more. It was a lesson to her, another warning from life not to trust just anyone. Even if Castle seemed like the guy she could trust with her life… His smile as he beamed at her, the way his fingers brushed hers when he handed her someting, the comforting silence they had so many times when he watched her doing paperwork. The times he annoyed her, all the memories now seemed to be nostalgic to her. It was good to look back on the times together, but it hurt her too much.

As autumn came and she still didn't hear a word from him her hurt slowly turned to anger. Who was he to make her feel like this? When Ryan had accidentaly mentioned his name she had to realize it was just as difficult for the boys as it was to her. They missed Castle too and they had to put up with her moodiness all summer. She repressed the urge to cry and instead she concentrated on the new case but Castle seemed to haunt her. She saw him everywhere, on posters and commercials for his new book.

And when she found him on a crime scene, her heart raced. Her feelings flamed up again and she felt her emotions hitting her like a train. It was overwhelming and she had to remind herself to breathe and not to jump into his arms. Then as she calmed down a little her maddnes and frustration came back. Because, she should have been angry at him, furious. He left all of them for Gina and the Hamptons. She even considered not to read his new book, but then convinced herself that it wouldn't do any good. And she was curious as hell…

As much as she wanted to get rid of Castle immediately, before she would do something crazy she had to find out that he was needed to solve the case. And he was so stubborn, wouldn't let her send him away, wouldn't take no for an answer. He would come back every time…  
And she missed him, oh so badly. It was like he had never left, only with the painful and lonely memories from the summer. She couldn't forgive him yet, but she knew she would in time… Her feelings flowed free again, and him being there didn't help either. But it felt good that he was there again. Comforting and familiar and needed in some way. In a mysterious way she couldn't fight, she didn't have the strength to fight it. So she surrendered…

* * *

Just as she was leaving him in the bullpen he caught her arm. She turned back, startled by his touch. He looked at her with serious eyes and didn't let go of her hand.

„What did I do?" he asked her quietly.

„Nothing." She told him and tried to get away from his grip. This conversation was starting to make her loose her control and she couldn't allow that to happen.

„Come on, I'm not blind! Even the Captain looked at me like I shot someone…" Beckett shot him a look that made him add quickly „Which I certainly didn't do!"

„Oh Castle, just leave it alone! Go home and let me do my job!" she snapped, feeling the need to make him disappear soon. Before she would break. She turned away from him again and pulled her arm out of his grip.

„Kate…" his weak voice sounded and she couldn't help but stop. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath but didn't turn around.

„Why didn't you call Castle?" she asked again, this time they both know it wasn't about that morning. It was about the whole summer.

She slowly turned back to him, tears shimmering in her eyes but she blinked them back before he could see it.

„I..I already told you…I was about to…I wanted to call…" he stammered, trying to act like he didn't know what she was talking about. Beckett just shot him a glare and he swallowed. He knew he couldn't play her. „Okay, I didn't…I thought you would be with…you know…" he said, an obvious hint to Demming and she looked down. „I …I saw your notes Beckett!" he finally spilled.

Beckett snapped her head up, her eyes wide as she stared at him. Her mouth opened then closed again, unable to form words.

„I read all the great things you wrote about him… How handsome and funny he is… And I just, couldn't take it anymore… You know? Then when I made the call to Gina and decided to stay at the Hamptons for the summer, it seemed like a good idea… And, I really wanted to call you Beckett!" he told her.

„You read my notes? How… dare you?" she asked her throat dry. She didn't know how much he read and it made her uneasy.

„Well, it was just there on your table….Half hidden between files, you know how I am… I just… Not that I wanted to see how_ perfect _this Demming guy is… Or was…" he said bitterly.

„Too bad that you didn't read the whole thing!" she snapped, turned her back to him and marched out of sight.

„What do you mean?" he called after her but she just shook her head not even looking back at him.

„Nothing, forget it Castle!" she shouted back and when she turned the corner and made sure he couldn't see her she wiped the few tears off her cheek with the back of her palm.

* * *

Castle was suffering. He thought he was over her. He thought the summer with Gina would make it go all away, that a woman would make him forget his affection towards Beckett. His sore heart seemed to heal slowly in the summer and he had to give her the credit, Gina did everything she could to help him getting better… Of course after he finished the book.  
When he got back to town, he felt all right. He was sure he would be fine, and with Gina everything was back in place. He couldn't wait to see the boys and Lanie and the Captain and well, somewhere deep in his heart he was a little afraid of seeing Kate again but he really missed her.

Then, when his old team found him next to a body, it all got out of his control. As he became a suspect and his friends treated him like one, he started to feel like there was something wrong. Mostly when his name got cleared and the others still acted icy.  
But meeting Beckett again also brought up his feelings for her. Seeing her made his heart flutter. She changed a lot. And not just in appearance, though he loved her new, longer hair. It was amazing… But he saw the deeper change too. Castle wanted to ask about it, but she didn't let him. She was angry and cold and ignoring and totally professional. Of course she was a pro but she acted like they didn't know each other, didn't have so many moments together.  
One time he got her off guard though. When it came to Gina she seemed weird. He needed to poke back with that damned Demming but what she answered, even if just nonverbally made him jump. Now that she was single again, his hopes were sparkling again. He knew he should't have hopes but he couldn't help it. She was Kate Beckett after all! How on Earth could he resist?

He didn't really know why the guys were mad at him, nor Beckett. But he guessed it had something to do with him leaving for the summer. At least, they were hinting so…  
And then there was Beckett's sudden outburst when he mentioned her notes. It still made him shiver when he thought back at those words, even now that he knew she wasn't with _Tom _anymore.

Luckily as they solved the case everyone seemed to get used to him hanging out with them again and they were more friendly with him. Beckett even let herself a smile here and there that lightened his day up…

To propitiate her though, he got her the new Nikki Heat book. He knew it was a little thing but he also knew that she was a big fan of his books. He tried not to make a big deal of it, though it flattered him to hell to know that a certain detective of the NYPD liked reading his stuff.  
He was aware of the fact, that Beckett didn't really have the time to buy the book yet, so he made a call and hoped that she wouldn't mind it…  
And now he only had to wait to see what she would say and how she would react. Not that he waited for a thanking, he just wanted to see the old Beckett again. But his best guess was that she won't say a word…

* * *

Few days later Kate found a little package on her desk and by the weight of it she was quite sure it was a book. When she got home and ripped the paper off, she realized she was right. It was the new Nikki Heat book and she ran her fingers over the cover. Of course, another stupid title and the naked silhouette. She was glad she didn't have the time to go and buy it since it was out on in the stores. Her brain seemed frozen as she held the book, wondering how Castle knew that she didn't have it yet. She opened it on the first page and saw the dedication.

_To the real Nikki Heat with gratitude._

She swallowed hard, the memories of the summer came to her mind freely and painfully. Below it she saw that Castle had signed it, or at least he wrote a few words into it. It said_,  
I know sometimes I can be a real jackass, but thanks for having me back as your partner! I hope you will like the book! Rick  
_She repressed her smirk at the honesty of it. She grazed the words with her fingers and opened the book even further. With a blunt brain she stepped to her couch and got down on it. She began to read the first chapter, her eyes running over the words, taking his sentences in. She could imagine him, stooping over his desk, his brows furrowed slightly, scraping his forehead as he tried to find out the next chapter, to where the story would take Nikki and Rook. Her eyes twinged as she blinked not to cry again when she read on, automatically imagining him as Rook and herself as Nikki. She couldn't help it, it was based on them after all, even if most of it was just Castle's wild imagination.  
Reading the first chapter and getting into the story she realized how much she could understand the situation and how Nikki had felt. She bit her bottom lip and creased the edge of the page. Then she straightened it out quickly, it was a bad habit of hers that she hated… She always creased the edge of the page when she was excited for a story she was reading.

Beckett didn't realize it got dark around her until it became difficult to see the words. She had got to the fortieth page, and with a sigh she reluctantly put the book down on the coffee table and as she stood up to stretch her legs she saw something white on the floor. She leaned down to pick it up when she realized it was her note from the summer, and the letter that she wrote… She shut her eyes closed for a second, then shook her head and with a sudden decision she slid it into the book, just under the cover of it. It would be a good place for it and every time she read again the book, it would remind her of the summer and all the things she learned about trusting and letting her feelings overtake her.

**So, this was it. I hope you liked it and I would love to hear your opinions about it! So please write me a review… one or two words, a sentence or a paragraph, good or bad, your thoughts or a part that you liked (or disliked) from the chapter, no matter what, I would be happy to read it! Though please be gentle with me, I can't really take rudeness, it makes me absolutely sad. But I can deal with criticism, so don't hold back your opinion!  
Thank you all for reading and as always, the hugest hugs go out to those of you who review! It means the world to me!  
Next chapter will be up at the latest, in a week! Until then, xxx**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey guys! Thanks all for the feedback on last chapter! It's nice to know that you are enjoying the story! :)**

**And there is only one week left until the premiere! I can't wait! :)**

_Disclaimer: Sadly, no matter how I wish, I don't own the show…_

_Chapter 3_

Rick stood in Beckett's living room months later, observing her bookshelf while he waited for her to get her mother's old papers. They were working on a case together, privately, without the precinct after they had been banned from it. It gave Castle chills to play spy and investigate things on their own.  
He ran his eyes over the books, an old writer habit that he did every time he was at someone's house. Sometimes it helped him to get an image of the people's personality or in cases it was just fun to see what people read. Or, like with Beckett he was interested in anything that would get him closer to her And of course there was a little pride and satisfaction in his chest at seeing his own books on her shelf.  
When he noticed Naked Heat on the top, perched on other books he grinned. He reached out and took in into his hands, opening it to find out how much of it she had already read. A piece of paper fell out of the beginning, from under the cover. He caught it with his left hand, balancing the book in his right hand. He opened the folded paper and immediately saw that it was a really long letter, by the weight of it, it could have been about 6 or 8 pages. He didn't want to read it, but when his eyes fell on the invocation he frowned. It said _'Dear Rick,…'_.  
His eyes widened as he read on, and realized it was written by Kate probably in the summer. He gulped, trying to breathe when he saw the little stains on it and he couldn't help but wonder if they were from tears. Her tears…

Suddenly, he heard a noise coming from her room and busted, he snapped the book close and put it quickly back into its place. Then he shoved the letter which was still in his hand into his pocket.

„Castle, what are you doing?" Beckett's suspicious voice came but he heard that she was more annoyed that he was messing with her stuff than actually interested in what he was doing.

„Nothing…" he murmured and turned to her with a bright smile. She rolled her eyes and stepped to the couch with a box full of notes and files in her arms. „Let me help…" he rushed to her side and took the box from her, brushing her arm in the process. He ignored the shivers running down his side and instead he put the box down and sat on the couch. Beckett sat next to him on the ground, took out a calendar and began to read through it. Without permission he reached for an envelope with photos inside and started to regard each one of them carefully, all the while thinking about the mysterious letter, hiding in his pants pocket.

* * *

When he sneaked back to the precinct he was determined to read every file he could find before heading back to Beckett's flat. He hid in the men's room with a box of files and positioning himself on a closed toilet seat he began to read. After a few minutes he put the file down into his lap and closed his eyes. He rubbed the tip of his nose and run his fingers through his hair. He couldn't help but think about the letter, still in his pocket. It was calling to him, like a siren. Begging him to read on, to find out what this enigmatic woman, his lovely detective wrote down in the summer. He knew he shouldn't read it, that it was her personal note and to be honest, he had had problems with sticking his nose into people's business, and more importantly he had a lot of trouble after he read one of Beckett's personal notes less than a year ago…

So these thoughts held him back, insisting that he would just go back to that file and continue his research so that he could head back to Beckett and they could do their jobs. But the other part of him chimed in too, whispering evilly that the letter after all was addressed to him. Maybe she wanted to send it but forgot. Sure as hell, after reading half of the first page he knew well that she never planned to give him the letter but he wanted to know where it would all end up. He wanted to know the real reason why she wrote it…

He opened his eyes and gave in to temptation. He pulled the papers out of his pocket with a quick but careful move and smoothed it on his thigh. His brows furrowed as he continued reading, and the longer he read the more emotional reactions he experienced.

_'I never knew it could really happen to someone. You know I've seen it in movies and I thought, oh so sarcastically that it was just some cheesy thing they use up in fiction to make the audience pleased with the story. I never guessed it was possible to feel like this, until I met you. I know probably this sounds cheesy too, and part of me is already teasing myself for thinking like this, and what's more, for writing it down. But I realized I can't deny it anymore. I thought that two people so different like you and me couldn't possibly have any kind of future together. That they shouldn't even try when one always pisses the other off and they can't seem to have one day without a confrontation. But then, I found out it was just perfect. That when you are the other one's other half you just fit, you are just a match. Suddenly I understood it, that two entirely different people can love each other from the depth of their hearts.  
You may annoy me since the first time we met, but you also make me laugh on my worst days and you take care of me in little ways only you can. In ways you are the first to think of… You know that nobody ever brought me coffee, or breakfast? There wasn't anybody who whined until I ate something for lunch… There wasn't anybody who cared that much! And though I don't usually show it, these small things always made my heart melt and made me love you a little more… Yes, I love you. There I wrote it down… I don't know when it happened, probably because I wasn't paying attention to the signs. But now I can't ignore it, or avoid it. And now that you're gone I have to realize that I was too late. That I was slow and I should have known it earlier. And I'm hurting because you left with Gina… And I'm mad at myself, and at you and at Gina… I'm mad at the whole world for being so unfair.  
And I feel like this is just another lesson from life, a lesson not to trust anyone, not to let my walls down. And I'm so disappointed, because with you breaking down my walls, I felt so free, so happy. You know I haven't laughed so much in years… You made me a better person, hell, even a better cop. And again, I can't thank you enough for it…  
But you also broke my heart. I don't always let on what's on my mind, and I know I'm not the easiest person to get to know… But I'm trying, and with you I found and experienced something new. Something good. Something extraordinary as you would say… Something frighteningly like love…_

He was pretty sure he would have ended up crying if the Captain hadn't interrupted him by coming in the men's room and giving him a strange look before scolding him for sneaking in.

He tucked the paper back into his pocket, and before he left the toilet to join the guys in the bullpen as Montgomery ordered him he found another piece of paper on the floor. It was a page of a notebook, written in Kate's handwriting. It was much shorter and when he read the first few lines of it he realized he had already seen this page. It was the note he had read on Beckett's desk, before the summer.  
Her voice echoed in his head her painful words filling his mind.

_„Too bad that you didn't read the whole thing"  
_He opened the paper and quickly read through the notes, his eyes running over her words.

_'Castle, he annoys me to hell and still manages to make me smile whenever I'm sad or upset.  
I can't explain it, but think I love him._  
_Tom, he is just so nice and handsome and funny and he loves me to pieces. I can clearly see it! But I'm not in love with him, not anymore… I don't want to hurt him, but I can't be unfair to Rick either. Nor to myself. I want to give us a chance, if there is such thing as 'us'…'_

Castle leaned his head against the wall with a little too much force and his forehead started throbbing from it. He rubbed his face with his palm, hands shaking slightly from the amount of information. He sure had a lot to process…

* * *

Later that same day Rick stormed into her apartment, feelings swirling inside of him. He had managed to clear his mind a little, concentrate on the case rather than the letter folded in his pocket. He did that until he saw her face when she opened the door.  
Then it all got out of hand. He couldn't help thinking whether she still feels like that, or did he hurt her too much. Old memories came back, hand in hand with flashbacks of her words. He could almost hear her voice saying '_Yes, I love you.' _

When she told him to leave he refused immediately, not saying out loud the words that came into his mind. 'I won't leave you, ever!'

Instead he concentrated on the case, the file he found. And really, it wasn't so hard because she was a great audience, and she was interested, listening to his every word, asking questions. And not just any questions, but the right ones.

So soon, they were at the prison and she was in her element again, and things were so quick Castle didn't have time to wonder about feelings, and letters and anything like that.

Later in the car he realized, it probably had no importance anymore as she was with Josh and Castle, well…He broke her heart that summer. It hurt him to know that the opportunity of his life, the one he was waiting for, hoping for was there, in front of him and he missed it. But he knew that now he couldn't do anything about it. He just had to wait, and hope that someday in the future, she may forgive him and that when the day comes, she would still be able to love him.

* * *

The only thing he wanted was to save Esposito and Ryan. He was worried as hell for his buddies and he saw that Beckett was going crazy too. At least she wasn't trying to leave him out there and go in alone…  
When the idea crossed his mind he was sure she would ignore him. Or say 'no' immediately. So when she nodded slightly and agreed to do it he realized just how scared she was.  
As they crossed the parking lot he eyed the guard but kept looking at Beckett from the corner of his eyes. She was a good actress he already knew that, but it made his heart flutter as she hugged him and laughed like it was totally genuine.

Then the man began to walk towards them. He barely even heard her muttering _'He's not buying it, Castle!'_ his mind was so busy making up a plan how to survive this. He had no weapon and even though he knew Beckett had one, he didn't want her to go against this guard. It was some kind of silly urge to protect her. That was all he could think about when she reached for her gun. To protect her. Not to let her in a gun fight. That would also alarm the people inside. There was no way they wouldn't hear it… It wasn't just her safety, it was Ryan and Esposito's too…  
So Castle stopped her. He pulled her in and saw the confused glint in her eyes before he closed his own and pressed his mouth to hers. He was really hoping she wouldn't shove him away in the second their lips touched because that would ruin their cover. But she reacted better than he guessed she would. After he pulled back she stayed close to him and looked deep into his eyes. Her mouth was half open and her stare cut into his soul. He felt his heart race in his chest, his breathing uneven, more like gasping. Her cheeks were slightly red, he wasn't quite sure if it was because of the cold or because the kiss.  
Then she did something he would have never expected from her. For a moment she looked deep in thought as her eyes drifted away from him but after that she almost threw herself at him. The force of her mouth on his made him lose his mind. He felt dizzy as her lips claimed his in a desperate way and if he didn't know it was just a play for the guard he would have said it was real. She pressed herself to him tightly and he felt her eyelashes flutter against his cheek as she blinked. Probably checking the guard. But he didn't care anymore about the man. Beckett was in his arms, kissing him and all he could think about was how wonderful she tasted and that he never wanted to let go of her. Castle's hand rested on her lower back and the other one that cupped her cheek slipped into her hair. She let out a small moan as he caught her bottom lip between his lips and it gave him chills. A sudden thought came to him when he heard her sensual sound. It was not a thing that you can just make. It was real! Her voice echoed in his head '_Yes, I love you'_. And as this realization hit him he lost all his control. This wasn't just a play anymore, it was their first kiss. Even if both of them thought it wasn't… He pulled her even closer, his hand in her hair feeling how soft it was. Her hands came up around him too and she clutched at his shoulders. They began to curl around each other a little.

In his head they weren't on the cold, wet street anymore. They were somewhere quiet and intimate and the air had definitely started to warm up around them. Maybe it was a hidden corner of the precinct, or his apartment, or hers… It didn't matter. The only thing that mattered that Kate Beckett was in his arms! That she let him kiss her. That she kissed back!

And what a kiss! It was like the sweetest chocolate, the brightest sunbeam, the lightest breeze of the ocean. The glimpse of heaven… He couldn't get enough of her.

But suddenly, it was all gone. He didn't even had the time to open his eyes when she was already out of his arms and by the time he managed to regain his composure the guard was flat on the ground, half unconscious from her kick.  
He looked at her in awe, still having a hard time catching his breath. He kissed her! That is something that made him shiver and feel the world spin around him. He hoped she won't ignore it, that she won't try to pretend nothing had happened. Though as much as he knew her, Castle was sure she will behave like it was just an act.

„That was amazing…" he stammered before he could think clearly and the words slipped out of his mouth before he even realized that they had formed in his mind.

She slowly turned to him, a surprised but little fearful expression on her face. He got confused too and came up with something about the way she knocked the guy out, but he was positive both of them knew it was bullshit. Beckett was totally aware of what he meant…

**So this was it. The letter and their first kiss… I can't wait to see what you think about it so pretty please write me a couple of words in a review! I'm dying to know your opinion… Also, I could use some encouragement! :)  
Thank you for reading and a huge thanks to those of you who review! It means the world to me and it's a great inspiration to write!  
The next chapter will be up, as usual, in a week! Until then, xxx **


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey guys! I would have uploaded sooner but I gotta admit, I was giggling over all things regarding the season premiere on the Internet.  
First of all, thank you for the many alerts and favorites, they make me really happy! Also, thanks for those who take time to review! I usually try to answer all of you, but if you review as a guest then I can't. However, this time I would like to make an exception because one of the guest reviewers wrote something that I really want to answer to. But then, I would feel weird that I didn't reply to the other one, so here it goes:**

**To the guest with the shorter review: Thank you, I'm really happy you like the story! :)**

**And to the guest with the longer review: I respect your opinion and I'm not trying to argue with you, I'm only trying to explain myself so maybe you'd understand it. I use up scenes from the show which I think are relevant in my story, which I like. I try to mix them with the scenes which I write myself and I promise that even though there are many scenes from the show mentioned in this chapter and some scenes used up, in later chapters there will be barely anything from the show because that's where I plan the 'How it could have happened' part... The letter Kate wrote is has a significant part in the fanfic. Maybe we can't see it yet but I will have a part… And I didn't mean to put all the blame on Castle, I really didn't! I think it's just, part Kate's hurt pride and part Rick blaming himself! Because I do believe, if he knew, he would blame himself. But in this chapter, we will see a bit of Kate's thoughts, and that she doesn't entirely blames him! :) Oh, and about Josh, I won't bring him into the story but he will be mentioned a couple of times. I hope I managed to explain myself a bit and I really hope you will like the story a bit more from now on…**

**So, this was for the replies. Again, thanks all for the feedback, I really hope you are enjoying this story!  
Now, there's the new chapter! Cheers!**

_Disclaimer: Sadly, I don't own Castle._

_Chapter 4_

Months passed by, and they never talked about that certain night. Never once did she bring the subject up, more importantly Castle was almost sure that she avoided it on purpose. So he didn't mention it either.  
He tried to tell himself that it was nothing. That it was just a play, an act to cover themselves. An important part of the plan to save their friends. He convinced himself, that the sparkle he felt when her lips touched his wasn't from the burning love he felt for her deep in his heart, but from the excitement of the moment. From the fear that the guard will spot that they were cops, or at least she was, and he would call for Lockwood._  
_Beckett was still dating Josh and he still couldn't do anything about it. And Castle decided that the best thing to do, was to wait. Wait until she was ready to forgive him, until the right time to tell her how much he loved her.

And until then, he stayed quiet. He stayed casual, he brought her a coffee every single morning and made her eat something for lunch each day she forgot it.

He worked on his new Nikki Heat book, and avoided to think about the last one. He didn't need to remind himself of the heartfelt letter that was hiding between the pages of his manuscript. After that day, he slipped the papers in there, so in case he read it over, he would never forget the hurt that he caused her by leaving that summer… He just hoped that she wouldn't notice that her letter and notes went missing, because he was sure she would never forgive him for taking them.

He worked side by side with her almost every day, building theories together and cracking even the most improbable and difficult murder cases. They kept on their bantering and harmless flirting and every time she smiled at him, every time their eyes met, Castle's stomach did a sommersault that he desperately tried to ignore.

On some days it was harder to deny his ever growing feelings for her. Like when they went undercover in a bar to catch a drug dealer and possible suspect and she had put on that tiny, tight little scrap of a dress that hugged her every delicate curve perfectly and left him and many other man almost literally drooling after her. Or when they thought they had been infected by radioactive substances and had to sit in an isolation tent for hours and where she told him that things between her and Josh weren't exactly the best. A fact that made his heart scream with hope and the need to tell her that he would be happy to be the person who would be there for her and she could be there for him and with whom she could just 'dive into it together'. Whatever **it** was. And when they were locked together in that freezer, cuddling or more like huddling together for warmth. Her barely audible words still echoed in his head and one part of him wished he could have heard the end of her sentence but the other wished they weren't in that situation at all in the first place. Hell, he had almost lost her! Then came the fateful moment when the bomb was supposed to go off and send everything around them in the air. The second their hands clasped together and their eyes met and they reassured each other that they were in fact there for each other no matter what. That neither of them regretted anything… He will never forget the sound of her gorgeous, relieved laugh just as the initial panic and shock started to give space to the acknowledgement that they really did survive. That day, after speaking with Dillon, he thought… For a moment he truly believed it was the right time to tell her, to let her know how he felt and that he hoped she still felt the same way. But he chickened out. He used the opportunity created by Josh's arrival to back out of his admission. And if he wasn't mistaken, he had seen the sparkle of expectations in her eyes and he could have sworn he had seen her face fell when he said he was going home. She was looking after him with so confused eyes that he wanted to tell her everything but he just turned and walked away, unable to see her with Josh.

And then, there were days when he just wished he didn't have to hide and ignore the blossoming emotions in his heart, for example when Alex Conrad took her out to talk. He was feeling so crazy jealous and he just wanted to have the right to be jealous. However, her reassurement that she was a 'one writer girl' did make his heart swell with pride.

And then came the night they got the call that Michael Royce was found dead on the street. He could still remember the chill of the nightly breeze clearly. He could see her anguish, see how deep down a part of her world had collapsed around her at the sight of her dead mentor. And he just couldn't leave her on her own, he had to follow her.

So here they were now, in a luxurious hotel in Los Angeles and they were bouncing ideas back and forth, just like they always do except that she was in flossy, purple pajamas, looking so homey that his heart was thumping in his throat. Because he wanted this with her, late night talks in bed, in each others' arms preferably. Being able to be so close to her and have her open up to him and be comfortable about it. He wanted her to be the last thing he saw before he went to sleep and the first thing he saw when he woke up. He wanted it so badly that it was almost painful.

But even if she noticed his inner battle, his fight for control over his emotions that threaten to bubble up to the surface, she didn't show it. She just helped him with making up the probable details of the case until they realized what most likely had happened.

"Classic. Classic Royce." she swayed her head, speaking in a tone that told him she was thinking 'how could I not realize this sooner? I should have known…'. They were both silent for a while and he saw from the corner of his eye that a smile flickered across her beautiful features as a memory came to her mind. "I was so in awe of him, Castle, when I first met him. I just hung on his every then later, I realized he was just making up stories to mess with me." she let out a soft chuckle and he couldn't help the grin spreading on his face as he watched her whole face ligtht up. He found the way she shyly looked down on to the cushions absolutely adorable. The tips of her fingers slipped into her hair and he was kind of envious of them, he was dying to know if her curls felt as silky as they looked, his fingers itching to reach out and slide between those brown locks.

"I can't believe that I'm never gonna see him again." she murmured in a distant voice, a tone so broken, so devastated that Castle's heart broke for her as well. It was driving him insane to see her so sad and vulnerable and he felt the need to cheer her up somehow. To let her know that he was there for her no matter what and to convince her that she was stronger than she knew.

"You know what I thought when I first met you?" he asked, looking at her seriously but with a reassuring warmness in his eyes.

"Hmm?" she asked absently but he saw on her face that she was actually curious and paying attention to his words. _Better make this good then!_, he thought to himself and considered the words he was going to say carefully before speaking again.

"That you were a mystery I was never gonna solve." he said, hoping she would understand what he meant and judging from the way her eyes sparkled he guessed she did get it. "Even now, after spending all this time with you, I'm...I'm still amazed at the depths of your strength, your heart..." he paused for a moment, the tension growing between them and making his heart beat faster as he stared into her amazing hazel eyes. He swallowed, remembering that this wasn't the right time to tell her how he felt. He couldn't take advantage of her sadness, he didn't want to be that guy. So to lighten the suddenly so heavy mood and ease the tension that his completely honest, heartfelt admission had brought he added. "...and your hotness."

Kate's mouth curled into a teasing smile, appreciating his effort. Not that it wasn't completely true. She was so hot, so stunning, so angelic and yet so real, he had never seen anyone like her before.

"You're not so bad yourself, Castle." she murmured playfully.

Their eyes never broke contact and the urge to kiss her started to become irresistible. His eyes flickered to her lips, remembering all too well the way they slid against this, the way they parted to let him deepen the kiss, remembered how utterly delicious she tasted and the tiny sound that escaped her throat as his tongue brushed over hers. He was about to give into this pull towards her and lean in to push his mouth against hers, ravish her just like he longed to do for months when she backed away. He repressed a disappointed sigh as he watched her push herself off the couch.

"I should go. It's late." she said quietly as an excuse but he saw the glint of fear in her eyes when the situation threatened to get very real, very serious. He didn't call her out on it though. It might have been cowardice or the lack of balls or maybe the thought of that letter in his manuscript and her words, full of pain. Either one, he just stared at her as she said her goodnight and followed her with his eyes as she sashayed away with enticingly swaying hips.

Then he blinked, and snapped himself out of his daze caused by her closeness and the intimacy of the whole scene. With his eyes still on her back he knew he couldn't not call after her. He had to give it a shot. Make her see how he felt even if he couldn't say the words just yet.

"Kate!" his voice was hoarse as he called after her.

"Good night, Castle." she said from the doorway and she sounded kind of breathless. She sent him a small, barely there smile as she turned away and walked into her room, closing the door after herself.

Castle, motionless on the couch, kept his eyes on her door. Willing her to come back out into the living room. Hoping that maybe she would… There was something in her eyes that struck him, that made him want to go after her and kiss her senseless. His whole body was aching for her and for the need the comfort her when he knew she was hurting so much. But he also knew what a closed door meant, he had to respect her privacy and give her some space. Like he always did.

So just as he pushed himself off the couch to go and knock on her door, eyes still fixed on the place where she disappeared, he changed his mind and decided to let her deal with it on her own for now. And tomorrow he would be there for her in any form or way she needed.

* * *

The next day they made real progress with the case, cracking it wide open with a little help from the guys back in NY and the LA police. They went to the Santa Monica Pier where the deal was supposed to take place. They followed the buyer until he lead them to the van and then Seeger arrested the man and Kate went to look for Ganz.

A few minutes later the man driving the van was under arrest as well and the LAPD cop opened the back door of the vehicle to reveal dozens of wooden boxes. Castle felt a wave of victory surge through him as they opened one box and found the dissolving bullets inside. They got the son of a bitch!

Castle looked around, wanting to see Kate's face, share this victory, this satisfaction with her but he couldn't find her anywhere. He spun around but still, he saw no trace of her and in that instant he started to panic.

He pointed out her absence to the cops as well and they started to search the area, looking for her methodically. Castle's mind was racing, coming up with the worst case scenarios about her being kidnapped and tortured and killed, just like Royce. At the beginning of the case she asked _'If it was me lying there, would you just walk away?'_ and he knew he couldn't be able to bear the sight of her dead body, just lying somewhere with no life in her. With dead eyes, lacking the sparkle, the mischief that he adored. Expressionless features, staring into nothing.

No, he had to find her!

His blood ran cold and he froze when the sound of a gunshot rang through the air. He felt nauseous and his legs moved on their own accord, sprinting towards the noise without further thought. He didn't think about what might await him there, he just had to be there with her, by her side in that instant.

He was vaguely aware of the fact that the cops were on his heel, following him towards Beckett but he just kept running as fast as he could. His feet sank into the sand as he approached the dock, making him unsteady but he didn't slow down.

As he rounded the wooden legs he saw two forms, one on the ground and one standing over it. His heart stopped for a second then an overwhelming feeling of relief flooded him when he recognized that Kate was the standing one.

He yelled for her, the action quite involuntary, the desperate sound just breaking out of him.

He briefly glanced at Ganz, noting with a bit of surprise and a lot of relief that he was still alive. As much as that bastard deserved to die and as much as Castle knew that Kate wanted nothing more than to put a bullet through his skull, he knew that if Kate shot the man that would just cause further complications. Not with authorities, she could have just said that it was self defence, they would have believed her. But it would haunt her, it would make her feel guilty for taking his life. Later, when the fog of rage and hurt would clear from her mind and she would think straight again, she would regret it because it wasn't the right thing to do.

Castle was so glad they arrived on time, who knows if she would have pulled that trigger if they came only a minute later.

He stopped beside her, trying his best not to show how out of breath he was. It was a hell of a sprint though...

They left Ganz to the care of the LA cops and he glanced at her from the corner of his eyes.

"You okay?" he asked carefully but the meaning behind his simple words wasn't lost on either of them.

"Yeah." she replied, looking at him and her sparkling hazel eyes told him all that she was feeling. She was finally free...

He didn't ask any more questions then, knowing that she needed a little silence, a little calmness to process the events. Some time for herself to honor Royce's memory.

Back at the hotel after discussing that they would leave with an early night flight they went their separate ways to rest a bit and pack their stuff. Castle threw the few shirts he brought with him into his bag, not even caring that they would be wrinkled by the time he got home. Then he packed his toothbrush and couple of other toiletries and when he was done he lay on the huge, comfortable bed and stared up at the ceiling.

He couldn't even imagine how Kate must have been feeling right then. Her friend, her mentor, her old crush was dead. First he had tricked her and gone behind her back and Beckett had to arrest him and then when he tried to live a better life and help others again he had to die.

And she took it so bravely, without any wavering, without any tears. He was once again, in awe of her. She never ceased to amaze him with her strength. Of course, he was sure that once it was all over and she was back home in the safety of her bedroom she would let it all out and grieve for her mentor but in front of others she kept up the façade. She let him catch a glimpse of how vulnerable she was the other night but that was it, no more than a moment.

A sharp knock broke him out of his thoughts and Castle got off his bed and stood up. He went out into the living room and opened the door, not the least bit surprised to see Seeger on the other side of it.

"Hello Detective!" he greeted the blond man and stepped aside to let him in.

"Hi Castle. I just came to check that you two were okay..." Seeger said but the unsaid reason was clear to Castle. The cop came to see that they were really headed home this time.

"We're fine, thank you. Detective Beckett and I are taking a night flight home so she's packing." Castle said, motioning towards the door of Kate's bedroom, which as if on clue flew open. She poked her head out then when she saw the other detective, stepped out into the living room. She must have taken a shower because she was in a different shirt, a loose, translucent white one that made her look a bit fragile and very feminine. Not that she didn't look feminine in tight T-shirts or really anything that she wore, but still… He liked it. Very much.

"Detective Seeger!" she nodded formally with a tiny smile.

"Beckett! It was nice work you did at the beach. Thanks to you that man is in custody now, waiting to be transported to jail."

"It's been a pleasure, thanks!" Kate said but her jaw clenched slightly at the thought of Ganz.

Castle decided that it was time to change the subject. He scanned the room quickly with his eyes and remembered the fluffy, soft towels in one of the chairs behind them. Turning, with one arm he swept them up and stepped forward to offer them to the local cop.

"Detective Seeger, please accept these as a little thank you gift. You and your team have been incredibly helpful, after we gotten past our, well, earlier disagreement. And anyways, they are so deliciously fluffy, it feels amazing. Really, take it, it's like a dream, you'll see..." he handed the stack of towels to the other man with a look that said 'Come on, you know you want it!'.

Seeger glanced at Beckett and Castle saw that she first swayed and then nodded her head and there was a cute smile on her face as she watched the man take the gift shyly.

They said their goodbyes and Seeger was gone in the next minute, leaving them alone. Castle waited until the door closed then turned to her, finding her staring out of the window with a distant, thoughtful look on her face. It wasn't sad though, there was a peaceful smile on her face that made his heart warm. And he just couldn't not ask…

"So how close did you come…With Ganz?" his voice was careful, hesitant almost. He was a bit afraid of her answer. Her face grew serious and she pursed her lips before turning to him with an unreadable expression.

"Let's go home, Castle.!" she suggested with a sad little smile and he nodded without arguing. Home, yes, that was where he wished to be.

The moment the plane took off he felt his eyelids get heavy and after a few minutes of talking she saw how exhausted he was and told him with a grin to go to sleep. So he rested his head on the pillow and closed his eyes. His last thought was that they were finally going home. He managed to keep her safe, they caught the killer, she got a bit of closure so his mission was accomplished.

* * *

He insisted that they share a cab on the way home from the airport. He said it was convenient but they both knew it was a lie. She didn't call him out on it though, she was way too tired to argue. And anyways, it was his time...

They didn't talk and soon Kate's eyes slipped closed. It was supposed to be only a few minutes of resting of her eyes until she got home, but somehow she dozed off and the next thing she remembered was his gentle voice calling out to her and telling her they were home. For a moment she couldn't place it. They were home? Whose home? Or did they have a home of their own now? Had she finally got a grip on herself and told him how she felt? Or was it him? Had he took the first step? Kate was confused.

She slowly opened her eyes and found his face really close, smiling down at her. She realized her head was on his shoulder and she sighed contentedly.

"Hey there Sleepyhead! We're here..." Castle muttered in a low voice that made her want to eat him up. He looked sexy with his tousled hair and crinkled shirt and amused eyes.

"Where is here?" she asked after a moment taking in their surroundings for the first time. They were in the back seat of a cab and as she peeked out the window she could see the familiar street outside of her apartment building.

"Your apartment." he chuckled then reached into his pocket and dug out his wallet. He handed a few bills to the driver and then moved to get out, holding the door open for her as well.

Kate managed to climb out of the car then stumbled onto the pavement and she had to hold onto his arm to keep her upright. What was wrong with her? She felt deadly tired. Just drained.

Jetlag, she realized as her brain started to work again. They were in LA. On a case. Royce's case, she remembered and her heart twitched painfully. Royce was dead.

Then the letter he wrote came to her mind, his words, his advice. About Castle.

She glanced at Castle who was at the trunk of the cab, getting their baggage. He caught her eyes and smiled at her warmly. With both of their bags he stopped beside her just as the car drove off.

"I decided I would sleep better tonight if I knew you didn't fall asleep in the elevator up to your apartment." he commented when he saw her questioning gaze and she couldn't help the smile spreading on her lips.

"Let's go." she said, reaching for her bag in his hand but he shook his head, motioning for her to go ahead.

They arrived on her floor in two minutes and as they were walking to her door Kate mused over the events of the last three days. So much had happened, she felt simply overwhelmed. And Castle had been there for her through it all, been her rock, her safe place. He didn't say a thing, he didn't pressure her, he didn't really made any inappropriate comments or tried to build a conspiracy-theory. He took it seriously, considered her feelings and was always there for her, having her back and going with any stupid plan that came to her mind. Putting her needs in front of his own without any reservation. She was incredibly grateful for it.

They stopped in front of her door and she reached into her bag, her arm disappearing up to the elbow as she searched for her keys. She finally found them and slipped the key into the lock, turning it and then opening it just a bit.

She glanced back at Castle over her shoulder, saw him watching her from a few feet's distance. And she wanted to invite him in. It didn't matter that her apartment looked like a hurricane had stroke there or that she hadn't done the washing up lately. Or that she probably had no other beverage to offer than coffee. She didn't want to part ways just yet. They had spent the most part of the last three days together, even more closely than usual and she felt weird at the thought of distance.

But then, she had a reality check. She remembered Josh, her boyfriend. She couldn't invite Castle in because she knew for sure that it would end up being more than just drinks. Way more… And she couldn't do that neither to Josh or herself or Castle. She suddenly remembered last summer when she was in a very similar situation and the wound scarring her heart still ached. She got hurt and no matter how she wished she could just forget it all and tell Castle how she felt so something would happen instead of being in this maddening will they-won't they game, she couldn't.

"Well, I'll see you on Monday, I guess!" she said with a little smile, turning back to him.

"Yeah, and relax a bit, Kate! You deserve it!" he nodded and she bent down to get her duffle bag from the floor where he put it just next to the door.

"I will, and you too! And Castle!" she said, meeting his eyes. "Thank you for everything!" she added and tried to tell him everything with her eyes. Tried to let him know just how thankful she was and how much she wished that he could just come in and they could snuggle up in her bed and relax together.

"Always." he whispered, his sparkling ocean blue eyes boring into hers and this little word, their word was almost her undoing. She almost dropped her bag and jumped his bones right there and then. The air was vibrating with electricity between them and neither of them was willing to break the intense eye contact.

They stood there silently, staring into the other's eyes for long moments and Kate felt like she couldn't take the tension anymore. She somehow just knew what he was thinking, knew that he wanted to kiss her. And that he probably would if she didn't move. And she wanted him to kiss her, but she just couldn't do it. She wasn't ready. She was with Josh and she was hurting and they had so much to talk about and so many unresolved issues. They weren't ready.

So she blinked and took a step back just as she noticed that they both started to lean in slightly. She felt a blush creep up her neck and she looked down at the bag in her hands, her curls tumbling forward to hide her face. She saw Castle move back a step as well and she felt horrible. She didn't mean to play with Castle, to string him along and she didn't want to cheat on Josh. So she was stuck in this crazy situation with no good choice. So she did what she had always done, she backed away to hide behind the safety of her wall.

"Goodbye Castle! See you!" she muttered before turning towards the door and stepping in, only looking at him again when she was closing the door. He was standing there, watching her with the disappointed expression of a tiny puppy and she had to bite the inside of her cheek to keep from saying anything else. Something she might regret later.

He then raised his free hand in a small wave with a smile on his face and affection in his eyes, despite her turning him down, he looked at her like she was the most precious thing in the world. Then he took another step back and before turning he shoved his hand into the pocket of his jacket and called out to her.

"Until Monday, Kate!"

**So, this was it. I really hope you liked it! What do you think guys? Actually, this was the first chapter that I've written recently, all the previous ones were on the computer already. And I can't wait to find out what's your opinion!  
I'm having some doubts about this story… You know if you like it or not, I love alerts and favorites and I really appreciate it and the fact that you guys are reading it, but it would make me so happy to have reviews and get a few words on what you all think about the story! They inspire me and reassure me and they mean the world to me!  
I'm also overflowed with joy and excitement because of 6x01, and I would love to hear your thoughts about the episode as well!  
Thank you all for reading and a huge thanks and a big hug to those who take the time to write me a few words in a review!  
Next chapter, as always, in a week! Until then, xxx  
**


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey guys! Thank you all for the reviews and alerts and favorites on last chapter! Your kind words and all the encouragement made me really happy! :)  
This chapter is kind of a long one, I hope you will like it! **

_Disclaimer: I don't own Castle…_

_Chapter 5_

The next Thursday afternoon found Castle sitting beside Beckett's desk in his usual chair in the precinct, trying to figure out the case they were currently working on. She was just complaining about how it brought up unpleasant memories in her of a roommate she had, Debbie Winnicur. As she put it, she was _her own private Vietnam_. She was adorable and he loved it that she was sharing things with him so easily. He treasured every little detail he found out about her over the years that helped him to get to know her better.

Then suddenly, the hesitant voice of a boy called out his name, interrupting their conversation. He turned and much to his surprise found Alexis's boyfriend, Ashley in the doorway leading to the bullpen, looking at him with a serious face.

He shot Kate a questioning look but she just shrugged then motioned with her eyes that he should go instantly, like she knew it was about something important. So he stood up and followed Ashley out to the corridor. He knew about the problems he and Alexis had recently about choosing universities and he knew how much it affected and tortured Alexis not to know whether to listen to her brain or her heart. His always confident little girl turned into a self-doubting, unsure mess and it pained him to see her so shaken up. But he also knew how much this boy meant to Alexis, so he would listen to Ashley and do his best to help them.

The boy stuttered and struggled to tell him what was up and try not to anger him any way and Castle was pleased and frankly, amused to see that Ashley was a bit afraid of him. He didn't need to threaten to kill him if he hurt Alexis or scare him when he came to pick her up, the boy respected him.

"Would you talk to her for me?" he asked, finally getting to the point and revealing the reason of his presence at the precinct. And Castle understood it, he really did. If anybody knew just how stubborn Alexis could be when she put her mind to something, it was him. But he didn't think his daughter would appreciate if he played messenger between them. The whole point of her little rule was that Ashley would make his own decision without worrying about her feelings. Of course, she couldn't see that her plan had a mistake, which was the fact that Ashley couldn't not consider her.

"Ashley I appreciate... It was probably very hard for you to come down and talk to me today but I just don't think it's very appropriate…" he started to tell him that Alexis wouldn't like for him to get involved and that they needed to solve their problems together. Just the two of them. But the boy interrupted him.

"Mr. Castle, have you ever been crazy about someone who was determined to push you away?" he asked and Castle froze, the words hitting a bit too close to home as a certain gorgeous detective instantly came to his mind. The memory of taking her home from the airport and their almost kiss was still crystal clear in his head. He wanted to kiss her, he was ready to take that step but she backed away, afraid. It frustrated him to no end that he still couldn't get to her, couldn't make her see that she didn't have to hide from him, he wouldn't hurt her again. Of course, he knew he had lost her trust once and hurt her badly with a stupid mistake but why couldn't she see that it was all different now? He was a changed man and he would always be there for her!

"Hey Castle, oh sorry guys…" the all too familiar voice of Beckett broke off his train of thoughts about her as she stepped out on the corridor behind him. Castle thought how ironic it was that she chose that moment to appear. When she saw that Ashley was still there she fell silent and a surprised and apologetic expression spread on her face.

"No…it's okay…" Castle murmured distractedly, his thoughts still revolving around his feelings for Beckett. Their eyes met and she shot him an 'Is everything okay?' look but he didn't know how to respond. "Ashley, I'm sorry I do have to go." he said, turning back to the boy, glad for the distraction and the chance to get away. Ashley looked like a sad puppy but he really didn't want to promise anything he wasn't comfortable with.

"Please just um…think about it. Okay?" he asked and Castle nodded. Think about it, that he could do.

"Okay…" he muttered then watched as the young man disappeared down the corridor.

And later when they closed the case and he had a smaller heart-attack about Montgomery's plan to retire she asked him about how things worked out. When he told her Alexis decided it was worth the risk and she was going to just keep showing up it felt like he was talking about more than just his daughter's choice. It was like he told her how it felt every time she tried to push him away. Reassured her that he would keep showing up, every single time.

* * *

Everything was going just fine. It was too fine, he should have seen it coming. The first Storm graphic novel was in the works and Paula told him they were already considering the order for two more. Work was going smoothly, or at least as smooth as police work can go. He got to spend his days with amazing people day after day, something he was incredibly thankful for and then at nights he didn't have to sit in front of his computer for hours until inspiration struck him, he didn't have to force every single paragraph out. These wonderful people gave him inspiration, made him want to write more and more… She made him want to write more. He wanted to write down her every word, her every move. Show the whole word just how extraordinary she was, write it down so people around the globe today and ten or fifty years from now would know it. Make her a part of history. Give her that appreciation she deserved.

Everything was going fine until it wasn't. Somebody allowed Lockwood's transportation to general population in jail and Lockwood killed McCallister the first chance he got. Kate found out on her weekly visit to Lockwood, which was her own routine since the day the man was caught and locked up. Every week she went there to have a staring contest with him and ask him the same question: Who hired him? And she was waiting, waiting for the day she would get her answer.

Castle thoughts she would freak out but instead she was calm. Deadly, frighteningly calm. She believed she got a new lead, a new clue. She said 'the devil just blinked'. So they threw themselves into her mother's case once again, looking for connections and reasons and working their ways deeper than ever.

They went to Lockwood's trial but lost him and Kate still didn't break down. They pursued every lead until it was hot, and they found the tapes of the calls Lockwood was making from prison to the same number. And if it wasn't for Esposito's military knowledge they would have probably hit another dead end, but with his help they were able to solve the mystery.

Chills were running up and down his spine when to the 'Who's left?' question she answered clearly and calmly that she was the one. Just the thought that these people might be after her made panic curse thought his veins and he wanted nothing more than to close his arms around her and protect her from all of this mess. But he couldn't do that. He couldn't take her away from this, not yet. So until then, the best he could do was to be there for her, stand beside her and have her back.

The theory of the third cop came to him as an excuse. A way out. Any solution of the message that didn't involve her in direct danger. And as he started to tell them, it made more and more sense. Suddenly, he saw the whole case in a different color. And when she stood up and stepped closer and took part in building his theory he knew that he was right. He felt it in his guts.

Then they found the chopper with which Lockwood escaped, but of course it was clean. And for a moment he thought he saw something in her eyes. A flash of defeat, just the hint of a break. Her tone became breathy and absent as she said something about cameras and APBs and his heart was aching for her. But when he asked her if she was okay, hoping that she would see that he was there for her no matter what, hoping that she would let him in. She didn't do that of course. She said 'Yeah' with a strange, secretive expression on her face that left him wondering what could she be planning.

That night he had the biggest shock of finding Jim Beckett on his doorstep, telling him that he had heard a lot of things about Rick from Katie. Asking him about the investigation, asking him how dangerous it was. Asking him how Kate was dealing with it...

Castle could see how much it hurt Jim to see his daughter getting so engrossed in the case, in that dark world and being in constant danger. He saw the worry lines etched deep into the older man's face, saw the way his kind eyes saddened as he talked about how stubborn she had always been. Heard the frustration in his voice because he felt helpless. He wanted to protect her even though he knew she was no longer his little girl, she was a grown woman. And Rick understood that completely, he felt the same.

So he promised Jim he would do whatever he could to keep her safe, to help Kate see that her life was more important than her mother's death.

When the guard she knew personally was found dead and they figured out that he helped Lockwood's escape she finally lost her cool. There was no new lead, now here to go on but she couldn't accept that. He saw how restless she was, obsessed with finding new information. When Ryan and Esposito tried to hold her back, let her see reason and convince her that she wasn't fighting this alone, they were in this as much as she was. She yelled 'Nobody wants him as bad as I do!' and that was when Castle saw what her father meant. What she had been hinting at herself when he had asked about her mom's case. She was slowly getting deeper and deeper into it, like a hole that she was digging for herself and she was beginning to disappear. It was frightening.

She stormed out and the only thing that kept him from running after her was the knowledge that she wouldn't want him. She would push him away, say things she didn't even mean just to get rid of him. No, she needed some time to calm down, clear her mind. She would see that she was overstepping a line, right?

At least Castle managed to convince himself that she would.

But she didn't come back, and the boys were worried as well. They could see that she was spiraling down the rabbit hole and even though Castle tried to cut them off, saying she will be fine, saying that she was always fine he had a lump in his throat. He knew they needed to solve this case soon because it was true, she was shutting them out, they were losing her.

The typewriter cover up mistake seemed like fate was sending them a message. _Don't give up now!_ It was like a light at the end of the tunnel and it gave them new energy.

Later that night, he went to her apartment with his heart hammering in his chest. He wanted to beg her to stop, plead with her to step back and leave it alone but of course it all went so wrong. He tried to make her see that everyone was worried about her, that they were there to have her back but she had to realize that they couldn't win this. That this whole thing is way bigger than they were…

They ended up arguing and not just about the case, about everything that was unsaid between them and he nearly spilled about the letter, but he managed to catch himself in the last second. She was looking so mad and so desperate so solemn and so damn beautiful, he just wanted to close the distance between them and kiss her wildly. She made him crazy…

And then they were staring at each other, both of them with angry, dark flames in their eyes and if it had been anyone else with him, Castle would have even expected the furious make up make out session, maybe even make up sex but not with Kate Beckett. No instead, she clenched her jaw, her gaze turned cold and emotionless and she said the words that broke his heart into billions of tiny pieces.

"You know what we are, Castle? We're over! Now get out…"

And he did. He left her apartment with his brain numb and his thoughts blurred by the angry haze. But his heart was aching, throbbing with pain because he couldn't get to her. She didn't let him in... She never did.

* * *

Next morning, the phone's ringing broke him out of his thoughts as he was sitting at his desk, sank deep into his leather office chair. He checked the screen, a part of him hoping that it was _her_ but if he was being honest with himself, he knew that was improbable. She wouldn't be the one to seek him out, especially not now.

The name 'Captain Montgomery' flashed on the screen and Rick swallowed, wondering if this would be the call in which he gets sacked. Would she really do that to him? Did he make her so angry? Did he cross a line?

"Castle!" he answered feeling his heart sink into his stomach.

"Rick, I need your help." Montgomery's low voice sounded in his ear, not the words he was expecting to hear but they made him swallow nonetheless. The captain's tone was dark and determined and resigned at the same time. A tone that could mean nothing good, Castle knew. His overactive imagination instantly threw a dozen of scenarios at him which could be the cause of that tone and he couldn't help but wonder how bad it could be. His biggest fear was that something had happened to Kate. He knew he would never be able to live with the thought that the last time they spoke they fought. That they parted with angry words. That she didn't even know how much he loved her. Deeply, truly, unchangeably loved her with all his being. He didn't want to imagine a world without her, a life without her. So he prayed to every and any God that existed that she didn't go after Lockwood herself. That she didn't decide that it was her life and her battle and that she could win it all alone.

"What happened, sir?" he asked with a dry throat and his fingers squeezed the armrest of his chair, his whole body tense as he waited for the answer.

"I have something to tell you but you need to promise me that you will listen to the whole story and try not to judge. I need your help, we have to protect Beckett and I can't do this without you." Montgomery said and as Rick listened more carefully he could hear that there were no background noises. The other man was not at the precinct, not even on his way there...

"Sir, I hate to say this, but Kate and I... we aren't really on the best terms right now. I don't think she even wants to see me." he muttered, looking down into his lap in regret and shame.

"I know Castle. But I still think you're the only one who can get to her. You've always looked out for her, even without you noticing it and I know how you feel about her and how she feels about you... Please help me with this!" Roy said and Castle's heart started to race. _How Kate felt about him... How did she feel about him? _But he knew it wasn't the best time to discuss that, it wasn't the reason of Montgomery's call.

"Okay, I'm in. Tell me!" he said, nodding as a way of ensuring himself that he was certain. Yes, even though yesterday night he was furious with her, he would do anything, anything at all to protect Kate!

"I know who the third cop is." the captain's words were quiet but they hit Castle like they had the force of a thunder.

"What? Who?" he asked immediately, the new lead in the case making him excited.

"You have to believe me we never meant for it to go that far. We never knew it would... And I was just a rookie, the youngest in my team, just trying to fit in, to make my way... If only I wasn't so ambitious, or if I hung out with better crowds... Now I regret it more than anything I did in my life." Montgomery said after a deep sigh and the blood ran cold in Castle as the meaning of the words got to him.

Surely, he misunderstood something. That must be it because there was no way the captain would... Do something like that. Their captain. The ever loyal and brave and honest Captain Montgomery.

"Nobody was supposed to die, that was why we did it. Anyways, it was pocket money for those bastards until... Until Bob Armen." Montgomery's voice wavered and Castle was glad he was seated.

The third cop, it was Roy Montgomery.

"But Beckett... She..." he stuttered, all of a sudden his voice failing him.

"She doesn't even suspect. I did a great job of covering our tracks. We all did. And when I first met her, I knew who she was without even asking her name. I knew it because the image of her mother, stabbed to death in an alley kept haunting me for years. I wasn't involved in that but I've seen the reports, Rick. And she died because of what we did that night. I knew what happened to her and I knew what they were trying to do. Labeling it to random gang violence when it was entirely something else. So there was this young, pretty girl in an officer's uniform, telling me that it was her mom's case. I could tell from the beginning that she would be good, one of the bests. She just had that something, you know. That glint in her eye, the determined wrinkle on her forehead, the way she pursed her lips when she concentrated. She just had it, the talent. I knew that if she got the proper attention and support, she could fly. So, I don't know... maybe to compensate for the loads of crap I did, maybe just because I wanted to be the one who recognized her gift, maybe I just felt her pain, but in that moment I decided I would take her under my wings. I did and she turned out even better than I could ever hope for." the captain paused to take a breath but before Castle could say anything he continued. "But soon she became obsessed. She was so immersed in it, absorbed by it that she started to disappear, piece by piece. She worked inhuman hours and spent her nights bent over that freaking file. It's not uncommon between cops not to have a family but as far as I knew she had absolutely no social life. And I knew of everything. She was in a dark place and even though I did everything I could to help her I wouldn't have been able to do it alone."

Castle listened intently, curious where this might end. It was clear that the captain long ago regretted everything he did so many years back, he wasn't trying to throw them off, he was telling him everything. Maybe he knew where Lockwood went? Maybe he knew the bad guys' hiding place...

"And she is there again, in that dark place and this time, I'm afraid there is nothing I can do to help her. Soon enough the team will find out who I am, she will hate me, she will lose all her respect for me and I hate the thought of being such a disappointment for her. And for everybody else as well. And if I can't stop her, can't make her step back she is in danger. Real, deadly danger. I'm not enough alone, Rick." Montgomery's voice faltered and Castle felt uncomfortable hearing the usually so composed and strong man be so insecure and broken.

"I don't know what I should do, sir. I've already tried to convince her that her life was in danger, begged her to leave it alone but she didn't listen to me." he said, fixing his stare on his desktop, his heart clenching painfully at the thought of their fight last night.

"I know what happened Castle, but whatever she said, believe me she didn't mean it. She was angry and sad and tense and she wanted to push you away. It doesn't change the fact that you are the only one who could break through her wall and get to her. She trusts you Rick." the captain said but Castle stayed silent. "I made a deal with the devil, Rick. I told them I could keep her away from the case but it seems like I failed. Yesterday Lockwood came to me and said I had to choose, my family or Beckett." the captain said, his tone almost inaudible across the line. Castle felt like he had been punched in the gut and he was out of his seat in a second, clutching his mobile phone as he exited his office. Their fight last night was irrelevant, he needed to find Kate. He wasn't going to let these bastards get to her and kill her. He had to be there to protect her. Or at least die trying... "I told him I would lure her somewhere so they could... Take her." Montgomery said, his voice cracking. "But I'm not about to betray her, Castle. Don't worry. I've done dirty things but not this, I will not give up my own people. And that's what I need your help with!"

"What should I do?" Castle asked without hesitation, his arm already halfway in his coat.

"I will call her and ask her to come to the hangar where you found the stolen chopper. You remember, right?"

"Yes." he said, stepping out his front door and shutting it closed before he hurried down the corridor.

"I want to tell her everything myself. I need to do it, I couldn't stand the thought of her finding it out from somewhere else, figuring it out herself and hating me for all her life. I need to explain myself, I need to apologize... But then, when I did that, you have to come and take her away. Lockwood and probably some of his armed men will come and I can't have her near them, put her in that danger."

"And what about you, sir?" Rick asked, but he already suspected the answer.

"I'll stay there, wait for them then try to take out as many of them as I can."Montgomery stated, his tone confident and cold again and a wave of fear and respect for the captain cursed through Castle's body.

"But sir, you'll..."

"Die? Oh come on, Castle! Do you really think they would leave me alone after all this? Oh no, they would just kill me anyway. Like this, I'm going down with a fight, I will make my stand and I will take those men with me to death!"

Rick squeezed his eyes shut, trying not to ponder too much on the horror of the situation. His lungs felt tight, it was hard to breathe and he felt sick. When did it all turn so wrong? So very wrong?

"Captain… I'm… not sure what I could do…" he muttered as he stepped into the elevator and leaned on the wall heavily.

"You need to take her away from there, if it's needed you have to force her. I know you care about her, Rick. You need to be there for her when I'm not there anymore to protect her. You need to support her, help her get over it and try your best to convince her that this whole case is just too dangerous. It's too big. Not worth it. I know it sounds harsh, I know it's her mother… And I wish she didn't have that burden to bear. But she is a wonderful person, she deserves more than this. And you know that Castle, you see it but you somehow also understand her drive. You get her like no one else." the captain said. "You need to be there to take care of her!" he added and they both knew that it wasn't just about that day.

"When?" Rick asked as he stepped out of the elevator, ready to leave in that very moment if he had to.

"Tonight, at seven." Montgmomery said then hung up. Castle put the phone into his coat pocket then looked around the busy hall of his building. He felt dizzy and out of place. So, to process everything that happened and was about to happen he decided to take a walk.

* * *

It was all so clear in his mind. The hangar covered in darkness. Kate's desperate but firm voice saying she forgave the captain. The strong, commanding voice of Montgomery ordering him to take her out of there. And her cries, her protesting sobs, her pleading, her kicking to break free, and then when they were outside, her weakening resolve, her miserable, sad whimpers. It broke his heart. He kept whispering he was sorry, trying to be there for her as he hugged her close to him and his heart lurched forward when he felt that instead of pushing him away Beckett clutched the lapels of his jacket, ran her shaking hands up his chest and over his cheeks to reassure herself.

It was all so clear, but now it was over. The Sun was shining brightly down at them, its beams traveling over the cemetery and a couple of white, marble flashes caught his eyes as they walked slowly with the coffin. He couldn't meet the eyes of the captain's grieving wife. His daughters.

They lowered the casket into the ground and he gazed at it with horror and disbelief. Captain Roy Montgomery was dead. It was almost surreal. The always responsible, loyal, kind and smart man who was their captain was no longer with them.

Rick felt tears in his eyes but he promised himself he wouldn't cry. Espo and Ryan were staring ahead with grim faces and Lanie was sniffling softly. He could see his Mother and Alexis in the small crowd as well, both dressed in black and looking crestfallen, Martha looking like a diva as always.

His eyes wandered to Kate standing on the podium. She wasn't crying either. She had a solemn expression on her face and he could see the heartbreak, the immense loss in her eyes. But nowhere else. She was perfectly composed and strong, her bun neatly tied at the back of her neck under her hat.

She had lost two of her close friends, two mentors in the matter of a couple of months and she was taking it so wonderfully. Castle was sure if this was happening to him, he would be a sobbing mess by now. He almost had a breakdown after Montgomery was shot, but he knew he had to be strong for Beckett. This was twice, thrice, ten times as hard for her…

He watched her as her face softened for a moment before she put on her emotionless, distant mask. He could see that her thoughts were somewhere else, far away and he wished he could be there with her to make sure she wasn't falling. And to be there to catch her if she was…

But then she started speaking, the words of her carefully written eulogy not leaving any doubt how much she loved and respected her captain.

"Roy Montgomery taught me what it meant to be a cop. He taught me that we are bound by our choices but we are more than our mistakes." she spoke slowly, taking her time. Her beautiful, smooth and deep voice giving him chills. "Captain Montgomery once said to me that for us there is no victory, there are only battles and in the end, the best you can hope for is to find a place to make your stand. And if you're very lucky you find someone willing to stand with you." she paused for a second and turning her head, she looked directly at him. As if to say, that is you, thank you. In that second Rick knew he couldn't wait another minute. His love for her was flaming inside of his heart, consuming all that he had been before he met her and left him vulnerable and needy. After the ceremony, he decided, after this was over he would tell her. Take a chance and hope for the best. "Our captain would want us to carry on the fight and even if there is…"

There was a weird glint in the distance, through the graveyard and he narrowed his eyes to see what exactly. It flashed again and he had an uncomfortable lump growing in his stomach that made him nervous and jumpy. He glanced at Kate who didn't seem to notice it, she was still speaking, immersed in the words with which she said her last goodbye to her beloved captain. He knew he couldn't interrupt her or the funeral just because there was something, because he had a weird feeling which was probably just caused by the events of the last few days. It could be another person visiting their relative's grave, it could be a sunbeam reflecting on a hand watch, it could be a cell phone, or just a glass vase in which somebody put...

BAMM!

It could be a rifle. He lounged forward, launching himself on Kate, trying to hide her body from the bullet and covering her as they hit the ground.

Everything was still for a second and then all hell broke loose. Everyone was shouting and screaming and moving but he only felt one thing. The warm wetness against his chest, her blood pulsating as it poured out of her body.

The bullet hit her.

He pushed himself up on his arms, leaning over her and he could see the shock on her features. Her eyes wide and scared, shooting from side to side, unfocused. A single tear escaped her eye, trickling down her cheek and leaving a glistening trail.

"Beckett's down!" he heard from the background. The voice vaguely reminded him of Esposito's but it didn't really get to his numb brain. All he could do was cradle her face, run his thumb over her cheeks.

"Kate! Stay with me, Kate!" he pleaded with her in an urgent whisper. He glanced down at her shirt and his heart stopped beating as he took in the sigh. Red, all so deep red. The patch on her blouse growing as blood left her body. So red...

"Call an ambulance!" somebody screamed but he just looked into her eyes again desperately.

"Stay with me Kate!" he rasped, not quite able to catch his breath.

Life was pouring out of her in strong splurts of scarlet blood and he couldn't do anything. The love of his life, the woman who changed him, challenged him and made him a better man was dying in his arms and he couldn't do a thing.

Red, all so red. Her plain white shirt was soaked with crimson.

She didn't even know how he felt! And she was looking at him with so much terror in her eyes, looking so lost, he needed to comfort her, he needed her to know! So in the worst possible timing, driven by the fear that he may never be able to tell her if he didn't now, he manned up and said the words that wanted out for so many months now.

"Kate, I love you!"

**So, this was it. Some scenes from the show and some from my very own imagination… What do you think? Did you like it? Well, I hope you liked it! Please tell me your opinion in a review! It would mean the world to me to know what you thought about it! :)  
Thank you all for reading and a huge thanks and a virtual hug to those who take time to review! :)  
As always, I would love to hear your thoughts on ****_Dreamworld_****, which I think was amazing! I loved it and not only the way they found the antidote, though it was great as well… But to see how they worked and see Beckett follow her instincts and see them figure it out together… And also the way they acted all the while, knowing that Castle could really die in a day if they didn't get the antidote! I think it was beautiful! :)  
Next chapter, if all goes as planned, will be up in a week! I'm having a hard time with school and stuff nowadays but I'll do my best! Until then, xxx**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hey guys! I almost didn't manage to finish this chapter for today because I've been up to my neck with school stuff all week! I still am… Anyways, I wanted to upload because I promised and because I like to think that you guys are looking forward to get new chapters! :) Thank you all for the reviews and alerts and favorites on last chapter! They made me happy!  
I hope you'll enjoy this chapter, it's from Kate's POV, completely fresh scenes from my very own brain! :) **

_Disclaimer: No matter how I hope, I don't own this amazing show!_

_Chapter 6_

He said he loved her.

Just as she was on the edge of death, laying there on the grass with a bullet in her chest and blood rushing out of her body.

He said he loved her and she knew he meant it. His eyes were so desperate, panic was getting the better of him but he was trying his best to keep his composure. For her.

She didn't remember much. Yet. The doctors said it would all come back in time. Sooner or later. She was afraid. She already had nightmares every single night, waking up from them soaked in sweat and screaming. Screaming for him.

But it was all such a blur. At one moment everything was fine, well no, nothing was fine in the first place. But the funeral was going as planned. She couldn't look at Evelyn Montgomery, couldn't see the loss in her eyes that she caused. And the girls, she felt sick, she hated herself. She knew exactly what they were going through. She was the one, who really understood it.

Her captain, her dear loyal, brave captain died for her. She knew nobody blamed her and Montgomery himself would have called her an idiot for saying that, but she couldn't help but feel responisble. It was her who should have died. It was her who should have been in that coffin.

She knew it was horrible to think like that when she had her father and friends but at least she wouldn't have left a husband and children behind...

And then, the eulogy. She was supposed to speak at his funeral. It felt so wrong to be the one who praised him, but she accepted it. Nobody could know what happened. Not when it would destroy Montgomery's reputation, not when it didn't matter. All that mattered was that he was dead. Nothing could change that now…

She promised herself that she wouldn't cry. She wouldn't seem weak. She sobbed her eyes out the previous night, and the night before that and the one before that. In the safety and darkness of her lonely bedroom where no one could see her.

So she was standing there, showing the whole world a mask that she perfected over the years and she was speaking about Montgomery. At one point she glanced at Castle, just the thought that he was right beside her was giving her the strength she needed. She hoped he knew just how much she appreciated it!

And then thes earing pain radiating from her chest was the next thing she remembered. Yells. Dizzyness. Falling. Castle.

All just rushed images, mixing together into a huge mess in her memory.

Castle. His eyes. His hands on her. His broken voice.

And then the shaking words of 'I love you!'. Then she passed out.

Then she remembered loud beeping, yells in medical language, and pain. Lots and lots of pain.

And when she woke up, feeling broken and aching everywhere it was just easier to say she didn't remember anything. She needed time to think everything through. She needed time to process and decide what to do.

And so she fled the world, hid in her father's cabin, far away from everything. It was quiet and peaceful there, she thought it was all she needed. But then, she had to reaize she was wrong. Quiet and peaceful were usually good but now she couldn't keep the flowing images out of her brain. The voices, the emotions. And there was nothing to distract her from it.

Her father tried his best to help her recover and to cheer her up. She appreciated it but it didn't really make any change. It didn't change the fact that her captain was dead. As well as her mom. Her mentor. Eveybody was dead. She was almost dead as well...

And to top it all, there was the Castle issue. His heartfelt confession that haunted her dreams. She knew she should have called him, she knew they needed to talk about it. But still she didn't say a think, didn't move a finger towards her phone. And the more she stalled the more she knew it would be weird to talk about it.

So to get her mind off things, she decided to read. And what better way to get her mind off a certain ruggedly handsome writer than to read the novels he had written about her? She planned to reread them anyways before she bought the new book which should be on the shelves soon and now she had all the time in the world. So she started _Heat Wave _and finished it in three days. Her father was constantly sending her disapproving glances when she read at the dining table and when she didn't pay attention to him when he was talking because she was too engrossed in her book. And then the next morning she took _Naked Heat _out of her duffle bag and ran her fingers over the cover in a light caress. So many feelings ran through her. Memories which felt so distant, like they were from a completely different life. And in a way they were, all that pain and anger that she went through last summer... All those contradictions and doubts seemed like a joke now.

She took a deep breath before opening the book, intent on reading the letter before the novel itself. But the breath got caught in her throat when she found that nothing was under the cover. She found nothing but the blank first page, staring straight back at her emptily. No notes, no letter.

She walked briskly to her bag and dug through it, searching for the papers. They must have just slipped out of the book, right? They must have!

She was in the bag up to her elbow, still not finding anything but clothes. With a thumping heart she started to throw everything out on the bed, shaking and unfolding each garment in order not to miss the papers.

After five minutes of searching she still came up empty.

Kate sat at the edge of her bed, staring at the mess she made and at duffle bag laying at her feet. Then as a last hope she reached for the book, flipping through the pages to see if she maybe put it somewhere else. But of course, she got nothing again.

It was all gone.

She stood up and started pacing the length of the room while furiously looking for an explanation. Pondering when did she move the book from the shelf. Because that was what must have happened, she moved it and the papers just fell out without her noticing. She quickly dismissed the fact that her letter was five or six pages long and that would have made a sound.

But suddenly she stopped in the middle of the room, rooted to the spot with her hand covering her open mouth.

"Oh shit." she muttered after a second, her hand running up her face and into her hair, raking her fingers through it automatically. She gripped a fistful at the back of her head and stood motionlessly, staring ahead, seeing something that happened months back.

With her mind's eye she saw Castle standing right in front of her bookshelf, half turned back towards her with a deer caught in the headlight expression then a chraming, bright grin spreading across his face. At the time she was annoyed at him for sticking his nose into her business and she never really realized that he was looking at the shelf where she kept her crime books, including all of his novels.

With slow steps she went back to the bad and practically collapsed on top of it, still gazing into air with unfocused eyes. What was she going to do now?

She had no doubt where her letter was now, there was no question in her mind about it. There was no way that Castle didn't look at it. She knew him, he was touching everything and she just knew that once he saw his own book there, he must have looked at it, just to see how she treated his book. Did she winkle the pages? Did she write into it?

And then, when he saw the papers, she was sure he unfolded it, curious as to why it was there. Especially once he saw that his name was on it!

Kate's thoughts were running with lightning speed. He knew how she felt about him. Or at least how she had felt last summer... Had her feelings changed? She thought she was over him, she felt angry and disappointed in him then she quickly forgave him and they became partners again. She was with Josh now and he was such a great guy, she had to be over Castle.

But of course, deep down she knew it was bullshit. The heart wanted what the heart wanted and hers ached for a certain writer for some time now. And no matter how she tried to ignore and represss her feelings, they wouldn't change.

And knowing that Castle had known about her feelings for months put many things in different light.

All those moments they had that made her stomach clench and tingle with excitement, all those looks, all the stolen glances that caused her heart to race. All the while he had known.

Why hadn't he said a thing? Well at least that was easy to answer and Kate had to chuckle darkly at the thought… He knew she would kill him for finding it. Then reading it.

Kate stood back up and on weak legs walked out of the room, straight to the front door.

"Katie, where are you going?" she heard her father's voice calling after her from the living room.

"Ah... I'm going for a walk!" she replied loudly, slipping into her shoes.

She needed space, and air to clear her mind. She needed to think.

She almost laughed out loud at the irony of the whole thing. She came here to think, to figure things out but instead she found herself in another mess. She started reading his books to distract herself from him and what happened and yet, her mind was full of him. Thoughts of him, images of him, memories of him, doubts and questions about him.

It was too much.

However, instead of the fresh air that she was craving she was met with a heavy, slightly vaporous summer air. One that told her a storm was coming. The huge, dark clouds just added to her feeling of discomfort, making her feel like she was suffocating.

Despite all this she took off in a swift pace, crossing the garden and heading in the direction of the inviting and mysterious looking forest.

Between the tall, thick trunks of trees were a narrow path, meandering its way deeper and deeper in the dense.

She followed the path, urgent to get away from the world behind her. Her eyes were fixed on the ground before her, intent on not thinking even for a little while. Maybe if she could just ignore it, shut it all out her mind would clear up. Figure out what to do on its own.

She had been walking for ten or fifteen minutes when she heard the first thundering. If anything she quickened her steps, not wanting to go back to the cabin. To the cabin and her problems.

Just the thought of them opened the gate and her mind was once again filled with a whirlwind of questions and assumptations.

He said he loved her. She was on the ground with a bullet in her chest, dying, but still he did say those words. Even if it was just because he thought he would never be able to say them. Out of the pure desperation of thinking she would die. He said he loved her and she knew, she could see it in his eyes, hear it in his voice, feel it in the way he treated her day after day that it was true.

Suddenly Josh came to her mind and she felt a lump in her throat. A huge rock in her stomach, pulling it down, down… She knew she couldn't keep stringing him along. It wasn't like she didn't like him. A lot. Because she did. Even though they had their own problems, Josh was an incredible guy. He was sensitive and smart and funny and thoughtful. But he couldn't be what she wanted. What she needed. He couldn't be Richard Castle!

And she could play this game for weeks and months, knowing that their relationship didn't stand a chance, didn't have a future just because it was comfortable and secure. But it wouldn't have been fair to Josh. So with a deep breath she made up her mind.

The rain started to fall silently around her, pattering softly on the leaves and the ground. Kate looked around, searching for a shelter and she glimpsed an oak with a large foliage. She hurried under it and by the time she got there the rain was falling hard, the drumming sound of it surrounding her.

She was looking out at the woods around her, bushes dripping wet and leaves heavy with water and it just kept coming down around her. And her emotions were just as wild as the raging storm. She leaned back on the trunk and ran her hands over her hair. Wet strands caught her fingers and she tugged to break free.

She didn't know what she was going to do about Castle's admission. Their whole partnership was so complicated and unconventional. He was a world famous writer and she was just this cop he found interesting enough to shadow. And even though he had proved his loyalty and friendship several times over the years and she trusted him -mostly- it wasn't the same as considering a realrelationship with him. She had to work out what to do now.

She lied to him and she knew it wasn't the right thing to do but she couldn't just face the consequences of his statement. She was feeling completely broken and she didn't want to deal with the meaning of those three words. But now summer was flying by and she would have to go back to work soon, and she would have to face him. And it was kind of ironic again because now she was the one who said she would call, but she didn't. She couldn't. At least she had a good explanation...

She had already decided about Josh and she was convinced it had nothing to do with what Castle had said. It was only about her and Josh, Castle's three little words were out of the question there. It was about the fact that she had to realize how fragile life is. How short it can be. Of course, she knew that already but somehow she thought all those things weren't true for her. Did she think she was stronger? Smarter? That she had more right to live than other people? No, she didn't but she was never for one second afraid on a bust. Or an arrest. Or during gunfight. Every time she felt like she was in control.

But she had too much time to think at the hospital. Long, lonely hours and days, full of misery. She had chosen to push everyone away, hell if she didn't ask them to stay away all her friends would have been there everyday. How lucky she was to have them... And Castle, he would have moved right into the hospital to be there with her 24/7!

But she lied to him, to all of them. She said she didn't remember a thing when in honesty she had flashbacks every time she closed her eyes. More and more as days passed and by the time she was released she thought she would go crazy.

However, being so close to death, facing her own and almost perfectly remembering it, she had to realize she couldn't keep going on like that. She couldn't keep up her relationship with Josh when it wasn't working. He was the only one who visited her every day, since he was working there. He spent his every free second at her bedside, taking care of her and she knew she was being a horrible girlfriend, a horrible person but she wished he didn't have time to be there with her! Because every time he walked in that door with an adorable smile on his handsome face, she was reminded that she wasn't in love with him. And that she didn't deserve his love...

But it wasn't only unfair to him, it was to her as well. Laying there in that hospital bed she asked herself the question, if this would be her last day, would she be proud of it? Could she say that she didn't have any regrets? No, she couldn't keep on being in a relationship that she didn't want when any day could be her very last!

Suddenly a large drop of water fell right onto the top of her head and made her shudder. She glanced out from under the tree and saw that the worst part of the rain was over. She decided that it was time to go home since her hair and the lower part of her jeans were soaked. She pulled up her shoulders a bit, missing a hoodie badly as she stepped into the slight drizzle and made a run for the cabin.

* * *

"Look Josh, we need to talk." she said into the phone later that day. She hated those words and she hated even more what she was about to do. Breaking up over the phone, like a real bitch. She didn't mean to be one, but she didn't want Josh to be waiting for her to return to the city. She didn't want him to show up and surprise her like he had already done last Saturday.

"O-oh, that cannot mean anything good..." Josh answered, his tone still light and joking.

"No. Look Josh...I really like you. Like really really like you but..." she broke off, feeling like an idiot. Was she going to use the all the crappy clichés?

"But what Kate?" sounded his voice, now careful and suspicious.

"I can't do it anymore. It's unfair to both of us and truly, you deserve a girl who is head over heels in love with you..." she stuttered then fixed her eyes on her feet.

She was sitting in an armchair in the livingroom, surrounded by fluffy cushions. Her father was up in his own room, working on his computer.

"Why Kate? Why now?" Josh asked and she hated how sad he sounded. It was a good question but she didn't really know the reply. Why indeed when he did nothing wrong? Why now when she thought it had nothing to do with Castle?

"I...uh...I'm just..." she sighed and paused to collect her thoughts.

"Is this about him? About Castle?" Josh's voice interrupted her pathetic attempts to explain her feelings. She couldn't just blurt out that she wasn't happy with him anymore. That if she had to die today she would never forgive herself that she hid in this relationship for so long because it was comfortable...

"What? No! No, this isn't about him!" she protested, her whole body tensing. It wasn't right?

"I get it Kate, he's in love with you, it's clear to everyone. I just didn't think you felt the same. I mean, I hoped you didn't..." he said and Kate squeezed her eyes shut.

"I don't. I mean, I don't know. This isn't about Castle, Josh. " she said, feeling frustrated that she couldn't get her point across. She leaned her head into her left hand, resting her elbow on the armrest of the chair and chewed her bottom lip. "It's more about the fact that _we _aren't working. We haven't been for a while now and I had a lot of time to think nowadays and I realized that it wouldn't change. It's neither your fault nor mine, it's just that we couldn't make it out. We didn't fit, I guess.I hate to do this over the phone but I can't go on like this. I'm sorry, but you'll see it will be better for both of us like this!" she told him honestly and could imagine his sad eyes and the way his face hardened to cover his vulnerability and hurt. Seven months were a long time... She got to know his expressions well.

"I'm sorry too Kate. I know we've had problems but I hope you know you meant a lot to me." he murmured and she was sure her heart was about to shatter.

"I cared about you a lot as well. I still do. But..." she broke off.

"Not like that. I get it!" he said. "Well, good luck Kate! And please take care of yourself, I don't want you on my table again..."

"Yeah, you too." she chuckled, absent mindedly running her fingers across her top over the still aching scar on her chest.

"And Kate?" Josh called just as she was about to hang up.

"Yeah?" she asked with a soft smile, already feeling lighter that she got over with this.

"I know you said it wasn't about Castle and I believe you, but... I think you should tell him that you feel the same way!" he said and her mouth fell open on a gasp. What was he talking about? This wasn't about what Castle said! It wasn't about his heartfelt 'I love you'! Was it?

She threw the cell phone into her lap as she leaned back in the armchair, resting her head on the back of it. Maybe she should just forget all about what Castle had said. It would be better for both of them. If she just kept on this lie, if she kept on telling everyone that she didn't remember what he said… It would make things so much easier. No complications, no what ifs. How tempting it sounded! But then, there was one thing that sounded even more tempting. The memory of one kiss. One hot, fiery, passionate kiss in a wet alleyway. The idea of a relationship with him. Even if he was driving her crazy, even if he was annoying her, even if he could be the biggest pain in the ass! He said he loved her…

God, she thought it wasn't about what he said! Or was it?

**So, this was it! What did you guys think? I would love to know your opinion so, please review! It would mean the whole world to me!  
Thank you for reading and reviewing! I hope you are enjoying the story!  
****_'Need to know'_**** was fantastic, wasn't it? What did you guys think about it? Personally, I loved the little Caskett moments and Beckett's decisions…  
Next chapter will hopefully be up in a week! Until then, xxx**


	7. Chapter 7

**Hey guys! Thank you for the awesome feedback on last chapter! Your kind reviews and alerts and favorites made me so very happy! :)  
Here is the new chapter, I wanted to upload sooner but I'm crazy busy with school, I could barely finish writing this on time. Anyways, again there is one scene from the show but I made some changes! I hope you'll like it!**

_Disclaimer: No matter how I wish, I don't own the fantastic show…_

_Chapter 7_

Rick Castle signed the book in front of him and with his well practiced, charming trademark grin he thanked the ginger who stood before him for coming. The umpteenth time he had done it just that day.

Then the next woman and book came, always another in a never ending queue.

But no matter how bored he was, how tired his hand was after long hours of book signing he held the smile firmly on his face. It was part of his job, a sacrifice for the fact that he could work from home. Whenever he pleased. That he could be there for Alexis whenever she needed him. That he could have raised her and seen her grow up. And that now, he could go and play cop with the guys at the precinct. The guys and Beckett.

Beckett. He hadn't heard from her for months. Ever since that fateful day. Ever since she had told him she would call, but she didn't. He waited and waited for the phone to ring, but it never did. After a few weeks he stopped hoping that she would call.

He remembered how exactly one year ago, it was her who waited for his call. Oh the irony of life...

He felt frustrated and miserable at first, the need to hear her voice, talk to her and make sure she was indeed healing was getting more and more unbearable as days passed. But then, when he realized she won't call his hopes and thoughts turned bitter and angry.

He didn't know why she didn't call him, he couldn't see why she wouldn't want her friends' help during her recovery. Maybe she was too busy being with Josh and that made him even more angry. Well, jealous was a better word. Yes, he was incredibly jealous of the doctor who had the chance to kiss her good morning, take care of her even if she insisted that she didn't need anyone to help her and who had the right to be there with her. Castle wished more than anything that he could be that man. If only he had fought for her with Demming, if only he hadn't invited Gina to the Hamptons, that man might just be him.

And his emotions were even stronger now that he admitted them out loud. Saying those three words, 'I love you' it was hard and they may have been born in the heat of the moment but nevertheless they came from the very depth of his heart. And to know that she didn't remember them killed him. Knowing that he got all his courage together, poured out his heart for her and she didn't remember it made his stomach tighten painfully.

Of course, it wasn't her fault. If anything, he was to blame for splurting it out at the worst possible timing. But somehow, he just thought that even though she was fighting for her life, she would remember him saying 'I love you'. That maybe it would reassure her that she was needed here, in life. That it would help her fight, remind her not to give up. He hoped that she felt the same way and that it meant a lot to her as well so she wouldn't let it slip away.

He was nervous to go and see her when she finally woke up after the surgery. He had been sitting in one place, tense and terrified for the whole time until he was told that she made it. That she would survive and recover. He had never felt so incredibly relieved as in that moment. But even like that, he was reluctant to go into her room, he let everyone else go before him and only when they were all done, did he move towards her room with slightly shaking hands. He hoped that he would finally get to know her reaction, get to know what she thought.

So when he heard from Lanie that Beckett didn't remember anything his heart sank. He hoped that she just didn't want to tell the others before they talked about it and that was why she said that, so he didn't let himself get too disappointed at first.

But then when he was sitting beside her bed, his fingers itching to reach out and grasp her hand, and she looked him in the eye and said she didn't remember a thing he felt utterly disconcerted and disenchanted.

A part of him wanted to tell her again, right then right there but the other, the more rational part reminded him that his confession was probably the last thing Beckett needed. She needed to heal both mentally and physically, and he would have time to tell her how he felt later. Maybe during her recovery, she would get her memories back.

So he acted like a best friend and gave her space, letting her choose when she was ready to talk to him.

But she didn't call. It was the first week of September and he hadn't heard a word from her.

He wrote his name into yet another book and gave it to the waiting woman. The next one started to chit-chat and giggle and sure enough he found her business card slipped into the book. Melanie Hodgins, make up artist. Yeah, he could see that on her face alright...

He gave her his best smile as well, answered her questions absent mindedly while signing the page and giving the novel back. With the card still in it.

And the same patter went on and on, some women being extremely flirty and talkative, others just staring at him wordlessly, almost shaking with excitement and there were also the quiet ones, who didn't try to get his attention, didn't try to become his best friends in two minutes. His favorites nowadays.

At three pm he finally had a lunch break before going to the next book store and pulled out his cell to call Alexis. He needed some strength and cheering up and his daughter was always a good source for that.

He started walking down the street, enjoying the fresh air after being closed up for hours. The autumn Sun was shining brightly, covering the whole street in a golden glow.

Alexis picked up after the third ring and hearing her happy voice was music to his ears.

"Hey Dad! What's up?" she asked.

"Hi Pumpkin, I just finished on 34th street. I got half an hour to catch my breath before the next bookstore. What are you up to?" he inquired, eager to hear anything that would distract him from giggling fans and painful, angry thoughts about Kate Beckett.

"Well, I did some homework and I think I'll finish reading my book before going to the theatre with Grams." she told him and Castle paused in the middle of the sidewalk.

"You're going to the theatre?" he asked incredulously.

"Yeah, we had told you about it like... Last week!" Alexis chuckled and he could almost see her eye roll.

"Oh...really?" he scraped his head as he started to stroll again, spotting a coffee shop and deciding that he would get his much overdue dose of caffeine and a muffin there.

"Yes. Grams got us tickets for that play with her friend in it. We asked if you wanted to come too and you said that..."

"That I would rather spend my night in a room with a tiger again, yes I remember now." he interrupted her as her words brought up the faint memory from last week. He involuntarily shuddered at the thought of his mother's friend, Josie. The woman was closing up on 60 but she still acted like she was a teenage girl. She wore mini-skirts and a lot of make-up and she tried to flirt with Rick shamelessly every time they were in the same room, making him extremely uncomfortable.

"Yes, that!" Alexis laughed and Castle's heart warmed at the precious sound. If only he could listen to his daughter's giggles forever he would die a happy man...

"Okay, sweetie, have fun. Don't let your grandmother drink too much and throw herself at all those old men. I'll meet you at home. I may not hear when you get home but make sure you come and kiss me goodnight anyway!" he murmured into the phone as he stepped into the coffee shop.

"Sure! Love you Dad!"

"Love you too!" he said and then hang up, slipping the phone back into his jeans pocket.

He stepped up to the counter and ordered then while waiting for his coffee he turned around and watched the few people milling around the shop. There was a young couple at a table next to the windows and Castle could see that they were head over heels in love. They leaned towards one another above the table, their fingers intertwined on the tabletop, their drinks and croissants long forgotten.

And as he watched, Castle felt a twinge of jealousy pierce through him. He wanted that, he wanted to be unconditionally, irrationally in love. Without difficulties or doubts or lies. He wanted lazy Saturday nights at the park or lunch dates in a coffee shop. He wanted date nights and candles and crazy hot sex afterwards. He wanted lingering touches and stolen kisses in the break room. He wanted make out sessions in the elevator and he wanted to feel the electric tension as they sat side by side on her desk, watching the murder board. Because of course, no matter how mad he was, he wanted Beckett. He wanted it all with her.

But they had so many things between them, walls that needed to be broken down, questions that needed to be answered, confusions that needed to be cleared up. And emotions that absolutely needed to be talked about.

With a grimace he turned his head away, finding someone else to look at. This couple was just stirring his thoughts in a direction he tried to avoid. His eyes found a very professional looking woman just a few steps away, standing at the counter, choosing a bear claw. She had her long, black hair up in a tight bun and she wore a perfectly smooth suit. Everything about her screamed lawyer.

Then there was the old man at the back of the room with his head in the newspaper, and a steaming mug of, probably, tea in his hand. He looked relaxed and carefree like this was his everyday routine, like he had no trouble in the world. Nowhere to be, nothing to do. Castle imagined that he was a retired CIA agent and he was enjoying his peaceful retired days. But maybe he was still one of the bests and maybe he would be called back for one secret job. One big, special, undercover operation where he needs to gain the trust of a powerful international drug dealer. He wouldn't want to take the job at first because in the last operation his wife was almost harmed but then the agency…

"Mr. Castle? Mr. Castle!" he heard his name and he snapped out of his daydream. He spun around and saw the cashier looking at him with a smile.

"Ooops, sorry!" he grinned and reached for the coffee that the girl was holding out to him.

"It's all right! Anything else?" she asked, a blush creeping up her cheeks.

"Yes, a blueberry muffin please!" he said, wrapping his fingers around the warm paper cup. He resisted the urge to take a sip, knowing that the beverage was hot and he would only end up burning his tongue.

The girl went to the various bakeries and taking a paper bag she put the biggest of the muffins in it, then returned to the cash register.

"Anything else?" she asked with a smile, handing the bag to him.

"No thank you!" he shook his head, flashing her another one of his trademark, megawatt Richard Castle grins.

Just as he handed the girl a few bills his phone started ringing. He put the cup and the bag back on the counter with an apologetic look and quickly took out his cell, picking it up and putting it to his ear without looking at the screen.

"Castle!"

"Rick, where are you?" he heard Gina's shrill voice coming through the line.

"I'm about to have some coffee and lunch. I thought I had half an hour." he told her, hoping that she wasn't going to make him come to the bookstore earlier.

"Yeah, that was twenty minutes ago!" Gina said and Castle narrowed his eyes, looking around the coffee shop for a clock. He found one on the wall behind the counter and he cursed internally as he noticed that his publisher was right. If he didn't hurry he would be late.

"Oh crap, I'll be there in time, I promise Gina!" he said, knowing that she would bite his head off if he was late from his own book signing. He didn't want to wake the dragon…

"You better, Rick!" he heard before the line went dead.

"Oh man…" he muttered and put his phone away.

"Crazy day?" asked the girl, holding the change towards him.

"That would be an understatement." he winked at her then grabbed the bag and the coffee. "Please, keep the change!" he said then turned away and practically jogged out of the shop.

He had ten minutes to get to the bookstore which was almost twelve blocks away. He considered hailing a cab, but he knew that it might only be slower so he started to walk the fastest he could without spilling his coffee.

On the way he ate his muffin, or more like he stuffed it into his mouth and tried not to suffocate from it as he raced along Madison, dodging people.

When he got to the bookstore the queue was already standing on the pavement and Gina was waiting for him with an angry expression on her face and her hands on her hips.

"At last!" she said and looked at her watch.

Castle peeked at the clock in the shop as well and he was proud to see that he was only a minute late.

"Sorry." he muttered, panting a little from the strained walk.

He shook hands with the owner, a forty-something man and the assistants and while he quickly downed his now lukewarm coffee they showed him to the back of the store where a desk and chair were put for him. As he sat, he was surrounded by life sized cartoon figures of himself and some posters of the cover of the new book.

He assured the owner that everything was fine and that he was ready. In fact, he couldn't have been further from ready but he knew he couldn't keep the fans waiting and also, the sooner he started, the sooner he would be able to go home.

And the mass of people invaded the shop, a couple of them already clutching a book and others going to the crime section to get one then.

Castle just signed and signed, smiling and asking complete strangers how they were, saying how glad he was that they came.

All of this swirled into one dark, heavy haze of faces and 'thank you's and 'who could I make it out to's and the squeaking of the pen on the cover. It was dull and he was completely on autopilot, hoping that this day would just end.

After about one and a half hour he was fed up with his own name and his face was hurting from the smile glued on it.

"And your name is?" he asked from another woman, her face not even registering in his brain.

He kept himself alive with the thought that he only had half an hour to go on. And at home, he would take a hot shower and drink a scotch or eat some comfort food while watching some idiot show on Tv as he waited for Alexis to get home. Maybe if he was lucky and traffic wasn't so bad, he could meet her before she and her grandmother went to the theatre. He was just planning which would be the best and fastest way to get home, grinning automatically at the departing fan whose book he just signed and taking the next one without even looking up.

"Who could I make it out to?" he asked, his pen hovering over the page.

"Kate." he heard the reply and everything stopped. It was like a bucket full of icy water was thrown at him. He knew that voice, he knew it all too well. He would have recognized it anywhere, anytime. It was the voice he had wished to hear all summer, it was the voice he heard in his dreams and yet now he wanted nothing more than to... unhear it.

His head snapped up and it only confirmed what his ear told him. Kate Beckett was standing in front of him, in all her beauty, with her long brown hair flowing freely around her face, her eyes sparkling at him. Looking healthy and completely healed.

"You can make it out to Kate." she said and it gave him goosebumps.

* * *

Her heart was thumping wildly in her chest as she looked down at him. A shy smile tugged the corners of her lips upward but it faded away the moment she saw his face harden. His usually mischievous, kindly glistening, warm eyes grew cold and angry. An expression very similar to disgust appeared on his face and an unpleasant chill ran down her spine.

He didn't greet her, his face didn't light up with a grin, he didn't say a word. He turned his eyes back to the book and quickly wrote his name on the cover without really paying attention to it. He kept his eyes somewhere behind her as he gave the book back, not meeting her eyes, not even looking at her.

She turned away, walking uncertainly towards the exit with her book in her hand, feeling empty and numb.

She suspected that he would be hurt, maybe even mad at her. But she never thought that he would ignore her altogether. That he wouldn't even acknowledge the fact that she wasn't just any fan. That he would seem to forget their friendship and partnership. She never imagined that he would be hurt enough not to hear her out.

And that terrified her. What was she going to do now?

She stepped out of the bookstore, drawing in a deep breath to get air into her suddenly tight lungs. She couldn't walk more than a few feet and there she leaned on the wall, staring ahead, feeling her eyes sting. He had never been like that with her before.

She came here to apologize, she came here to sort things out. When the boys at the precinct told her that the files for the case, all the leads were in Castle's possession, she knew she couldn't stay away anymore. She needed that information and no matter how much she wished to prolong thinking, how she stalled before meeting him again, she had to do it. And of course, not just because of the files. It was the final push she needed, but she knew all too well that they had to talk. She had to explain. But it seemed like he wouldn't be exactly open to it.

Well, she could wait, she decided. She flicked the book open and ran her eyes over the dedication.

_"To Captain Roy Montgomery, NYPD. He made a stand and taught me all I need to know about bravery and character." _

The words made her eyes water again and she squeezed them shut, trying to keep away the images of _that_ night.

She needed to make peace with Castle. So much had happened, so many things changed. And she needed him. She needed him to be her solid rock, she needed his support she needed the love he offered and she was afraid and too broken to take. She knew she didn't deserve it, she knew she was still broken, but she was seeing a therapist, working towards being the woman she wanted to be. Being the woman that was good enough for him.

And in order to do that, she needed him to understand why she didn't call him. She needed him to understand why she was doing all this. She needed him to understand that it wasn't that she didn't reciprocate his feelings -oh how could she not?- it was just that she wasn't ready to receive them.

She had been waiting for almost half an hour and she saw excited and flushed fans leaving the bookstore, books in hand or clutched to the chest as they hurried down the street. She was gazing at the playground just across the street when she heard the noises coming from the entrance of the shop, telling her that Castle was on his way out. She heard him thanking the shop employees for their help, joking with them but she didn't turn her eyes towards them. She took a shaky breath, getting ready for a fight. Because she sure as hell wouldn't give up without a fight!

She felt his stare on herself and finally looked at him, following him with her eyes as he walked by her without a second glance. He looked good, very good! Back in the shop, she was too upset to really look at him but now as he passed her she saw his broad shoulders and his muscled chest under his blue checked shirt. His hair seemed shorter a bit and he was freshly shaven.

"Castle, wait!" she called after him, pushing herself off the wall to rush after him.

"I did. Three months. You never called." he said, not even looking back. His voice was completely emotionless, just stating facts and it broke her heart. He sounded like he was over it. But he couldn't be! She wasn't, she didn't want to forget about what he had said to her!

"Look I know you're angry…" she started, preparing her apology but he didn't let her finish.

"Oh, you're damn right I'm angry." he quipped and with that he finally, finally turned back. At last, she saw a flash of emotion in his eyes. A flame of anger, but at least it was something. "I watched you die in that ambulance. Did you know that?" he asked and she saw the sadness, the pain flow his face all of a sudden. And she just wanted to comfort him. Just reach other, cup his face, run her thumbs over his cheeks, over the circles under his eyes and tell him that she was okay. That she was there now. "You know what that's like watching the life drain out of someone you… someone you care about?" he asked and she knew what he wanted to say. _Someone you love_. He almost said it again, said that he loved her, but he didn't, he held back because she had hurt him and because she had lied to him about not remembering it. But she remembered all too well, every second of that afternoon engraved into her mind for eternity.

_"Stay with me Kate. I love you. I love you Kate."_

"I told you, I needed some time." she said, breaking herself out of her thoughts, trying to reason. She needed him to understand.

"You said a few days." he reminded her and inside she felt a lump form in her throat. He was right. He was right, but he needed to see… Needed to let her explain.

"I needed more." she murmured, averting her eyes.

"Well you should have said that." he said icily and without another word, without giving her a chance to explain herself, say what she came for he turned and stormed off. Leaving her staring after him with her mouth hanging open and tears in her eyes…

What did she do? Would he never hear her out? Did she hurt him too much?

**Yes a bit angsty, and different from the ending of the scene in the show. But I wanted it to go this way… What do you think guys? I really hope you liked it! I can't wait to hear your opinion so please leave me a few words in a review! It would mean the world to me!  
Thank you all for reading and reviewing! As any writer, having reviews assure me that you guys are interested and I love reading your thoughts about the chapter, but I also usually check out the statistics and I would like to thank everybody for reading even if you don't review! I hope you are all enjoying the story! And please, if you have some time, surprise me with a review! :)  
If everything goes as planned and I won't be swallowed and killed by my schoolwork this week, the next chapter will be up next Tuesday! :) Until then, xxx**


	8. Chapter 8

**Hey guys! First of all, I'm so sorry for the late update! I'm just getting busier and busier every week and I couldn't finish this chapter for yesterday. I feel really bad about it, but I hope you will forgive me.  
Then, I would like to thank you all for the wonderful feedback on last chapter! Every single word you write makes my days brighter! Seriously! :) Also thanks for all the alerts and favorites! You guys are the best!  
So, here is the new chapter, I really hope you guys will like it!**

_Disclaimer: Sadly, apart from being a 'mega fan' I have nothing to do with this amazing show…_

_Chapter 8_

Maybe he was too harsh with her. But he was just so angry. He was mad. Furious. And hurt, it was like physical pain, burning through his chest and making him bitter. Making him want to hurt her back.

It was childish, he knew but he couldn't help it. Seeing her there, seeing her healed and well, he just didn't know how to overlook the fact that she failed to call him. He couldn't find an answer to why she did it. Why didn't she call? She knew how bad it would be, she knew it exactly how it would feel to be ignored. How the doubt slowly seeping into his thoughts over time would feel like, how the uncertainty that maybe she just simply forgot about him would drive him mad.

So when he saw her it was like a switch being turned on. All the frustration and hurt and anger that he was trying so hard to repress in the last months, it just bubbled up, it came out of him. He needed someone on whom he could take out those emotions.

And it gave him a sense of victory, watching her so taken aback. Just standing there, looking at him with wide eyes and mouth slightly agape as he confronted her. Her beautiful face pale and surprised and hurt. And full of remorse. He could see it, she came here to apologize, she came here because she regretted not calling him. She came to apologize but she never really said she was sorry. She tried to explain but she didn't apologize. And it might have been his fault, he might have not given her the chance but as much as he craved to hear it, to balm the searing pain of his wounded heart, he wanted to stay mad at her for a little while. He wanted her to say the words but not just yet. He wanted her to know he was mad, he didn't want to make it easy for her. Even though his traitor heart was fluttering at her sight, he wanted to be stubborn and give her a hard time.

And for those thoughts he felt like a horrible person. Not like the friend he was supposed to be, the friend and partner she deserved. No, it was his hurt ego, his manly pride.

So he felt guilty for just leaving her there. He kept seeing her face, her desperate eyes, her genuine worry that he might not forgive her for real.

These contradictions battled in him as he sat in the back seat of a cab, heading home. He had completely forgotten about getting home fast to meet Alexis, his mind was entirely on Kate.

There was something else, something hiding in her eyes that he couldn't quite place, something that made him hesitant to believe her motives of coming to him. Then suddenly it struck him, the realization surprising him like a kick in the chest. He had the case files. All the evidence, all the papers and leads. He had the contact information and the reports. He had taken them all home, deciding that it would be the safest place for the delicate documents. The boys must have told her he had them. That was why she showed up oh so unexpectedly. That was the reason of her reaching out to him after months of silence.

His hands curled into fists in his lap, the anger flaring up in him with renewed force. He didn't feel guilty anymore for being rough with her, he decided he wasn't harsh enough.

The idea that she only came to him to get the case files was hurting him more than the fact that she didn't call him.

"Sir, we're here!" the cab driver's voice broke him out of his thoughts and Castle put some banknotes into his hand before getting out of the car and closing the door with a loud bang. He then crossed the pavement and practically marched into his building, across the lobby to the elevators. On the way up he drummed on the floor with his feet impatiently and then he angrily dug through his jeans pocket for his keys.

He kicked off his shoes and threw his phone on the kitchen counter, all the way huffing and puffing and raging internally about how Kate could do that to him...

He was just about to pour himself a glass of whiskey when he heard the sound of footsteps from the stairs.

"Dad? Hey dad!" Alexis's excited, cheerful voice greeted him and some of the tension in his stomach eased.

"Hey sweetheart." he murmured, putting the bottle back into the fridge and closing the door.

"You finished early." she stated and he shrugged.

"I just wanted to see you before you go out tonight." he muttered, playing with an apple from the bowl on the counter.

"Something's wrong?" she asked as she arrived in the kitchen and a smile involuntarily spread on Rick's face. His smart, thoughtful daughter. She needed one glance at him to be able to tell that something was bothering him.

"No. Everything's fine." he shook his head, not wanting to tell her. She didn't know about what he said to Beckett, she didn't know just how much it pained him that the detective didn't call him all summer. Of course, she saw that her father was missing his friend, but she didn't know the rest. And she also knew nothing about the case files, or the case itself for that matter.

"Okay." she said, not sounding one bit convinced.

He forced a smile on his face and stepped to her to press a kiss on her cheek. He took his chance to look at how she looked and he felt proud of the young woman she had become. She wore a deep red dress, not an evening gown but one very elegant and gorgeous nevertheless.

"You look beautiful, Pumpkin!" he told her gently and she blushed.

"Thank you, dad." she said with a shy smile.

"So, where is your grandmother?" he asked glancing over her shoulder at the stairs.

"Still in the upstairs bathroom, getting ready." Alexis said.

"Of course. Be careful, if you leave her in front of a mirror, you'll end up missing the play altogether." he teased and Alexis swatted his arm with a grin.

"Not funny dad, you take more time getting ready than Gram and me together." she shot back and he widened his eyes dramatically.

"I do not. That is a scandalous lie, daughter of mine." he put his hand over his chest and she rolled her eyes.

"Here I am, darling." they heard Martha's voice floating across the loft and soon enough her high heels appeared on the top of the stairs. She gracefully descended, her green dress fluttering and swirling around her, the flitters sparkling in the dim light of the loft.

"Oh Richard, I didn't hear you come in! Are you sure you don't want to come with us? I'm certain Josie could get a last minute ticket for you." she said, pausing on the landing for a second to speak then walking down the remaining steps quickly.

"Oh no, Mother, thank you but I think I'll pass this time." he shook his head.

"All right, no pressure." Martha shrugged then grabbed her coat from the back of the couch and looked at her granddaughter. "Shall we sweetheart?" she asked.

"Yeah. Bye Dad!" she said, kissing Castle on the cheek before hurrying to get her jacket.

"Bye Richard! Relax a bit, you could use it..." his mother said, kissing him on the other cheek.

"Thank you mother." he smirked sarcastically and he walked them to the door. "Bye, have fun!" he called after them as they stepped out. He waited till the elevator doors closed after them and only then did he close the front door with a sigh.

The smile that he put on his face for Alexis's sake faded instantly and the bitterness rose in him again as Beckett came to his mind.

He resisted the urge to drink that whiskey now that Alexis and his mother were gone. It would do him no good to drink himself into oblivion. Instead he went into his office and plopped down into his huge office chair. He tugged the drawer of his desk open and got out the yellow folder that was hiding under a stack of manuscripts and papers and bills.

He threw it on the desktop without opening it and just stared at it. This was the information Beckett wanted. She wanted it so much that she reached out to him after months of silence.

He couldn't even look at the case files anymore. He didn't want anything to do with them.

Sitting there in the semi darkness of his office, Castle decided that tomorrow, first thing in the morning he will go to the precinct and drop the file with the boys. Now that Beckett was back she will take care of it. And this way she won't have to come to him, they won't have to meet again.

His fingers found a pen on the desk and he started to play with it absent mindedly, his heart clenched from the pain that he tried to repress.

He never expected their partnership to end like this. He never imagined that it would end anyway else but with her getting fed up with his crap and kicking him out of the precinct. He thought back to their first case together, Allison Tisdale. The copycat murders. The first time he laid eyes on her. The fierce tone of her voice, the fiery way she said 'Detective Kate Beckett, NYPD!'. He never meant to fall in love with her. Yes, he was attracted to her from the first moment. She was hot as hell. Beautiful and smart and witty, the perfect combination, setting his writer's imagination on fire but he didn't expect love. Deep, all consuming, flaming but sweet at the same time love. Real love.

Now here he was, sulking in his office, nursing his broken heart, denying the passion and affection that was burning deep inside of him.

Castle bit back a groan of frustration and elbowed on the desk, resting his head in his hands. How could one person's emotions be so in contrast? He loved her; that he was certain of but he was also so freaking furious with her.

He stayed there for long moments, the silence of the room nothing like the storm inside his head. His thoughts were endless, fuzzy, creating a haze that he couldn't clear up and couldn't see through.

He didn't know if he should listen to his heart or his brain. Or perhaps his pride...

He was just about to resign to the thought that he couldn't resist that whiskey when he heard knocking from the front door.

First he just opened his eyes, which he didn't even notice he had closed, and listened. Maybe it was just his imagination, playing tricks with him. Maybe he was already going crazy, hallucinating.

When the knocks sounded again he narrowed his eyebrows but moved out of his chair, in the direction of the living room.

The third round of knocks came as he was hurrying down the hallway and he didn't stop to take a peek through the little hole, he just unlocked the door and opened it.

He immediately regretted his rush because he had been caught off guard by his visitor, not expecting to see the person on the other side and hereby not being prepared for their sudden arrival.

Kate Beckett was staring back at him with a determined expression on her face, her long curls hanging loose and a bit messy. She had her hands shoved into the pockets of her leather jacket and she looked like a brave little bird.

Without much thinking he moved, his anger towards her overtaking him as he used the hand on the door handle to close the front door. He didn't care how impolite it was to close the door into someone's face, he just couldn't deal with her right then. But somehow she could have been expecting his move since she swiftly flattened her hand on the door and pressed against it with surprising force, making him give up and let it open wider again.

"Beckett, what do you want?" he snapped, the rude question slipping past his lips without his permission.

"I.. I uh, I want you to hear me out. I want to say I'm sorry." she said quietly, almost weakly and she crossed her arms protectively across her chest.

"You've already done that." he muttered darkly, recalling their short talk after the book signing.

"No, you didn't let me do it." she protested, correcting him and as their eyes met Castle could see a fire burning in her hazels.

"Maybe I don't want to hear it." he challenged. It was only partly a lie. Although a few hours ago he wanted nothing but to hear her say she was sorry, just like that, without excuses and reasons, he just wanted her to simply apologize but now, he was in a whole different state of mind. He was beyond angry and hurt, it wasn't just about her not calling him anymore. It wasn't just that he said he loved her and she didn't remember. It was the fact that the only thing that seemed to drive her back to him and make her talk to him was that freaking case. Castle knew it was important to her, he knew just how immersed in it she was, just how much a part of her life it was. But he thought their friendship worth more than this to her… Apparently, he was wrong.

"Well, I want to say it anyways. I'm sorry for not calling Castle and for just showing up there, completely unannounced and expecting you to forgive me. I was just…" she paused, her lips slightly parted as she pondered how to continue. She was utterly beautiful and it made his heart thud painfully in his chest. How could she do that to him when he wanted to be cold and ignorant with her?

"Don't fret over it Beckett. I don't need your made up explanations… I know why you came and I get it. I'll just…" he said as nonchalantly and emotionlessly as he could, referring to the case files that still resided on his desk at the moment. He could see how just as he said 'made up explanations' her face hardened and she looked like he just slapped her.

"Castle, look I couldn't call you. Okay?" she interrupted him, her eyes begging him to understand her at last. "Not without dragging myself into everything that I was just trying to get some space from. I needed some time to just work through everything" she said with a deep sigh and for a moment, he did feel sorry for her. He did see his best friend there, his friend who got shot, his friend was broken and just tried to put herself together again. The woman he loved so desperately.

But then he remembered that she pushed him away, she took advantage of him giving her space and just disappeared. And he was worried about her. He was worried and scared and he was frustrated. And now she was back and expecting him to act like the summer hadn't happened. She just wanted to work that stupid case and pretend that nothing ever went wrong. Like they always did. They never talked about things. And what was he supposed to do here? He couldn't just pretend he didn't love her! He couldn't forget that she didn't even bother to call him all summer long, to tell him that she was okay…

"Josh helped you with it?" he asked out of the blue and yes, there was that as well. The jealousy issue. The damned green eyed monster raging inside of him every time he thought about Motorcycle Boy. Oh, _Doctor_ Motorcycle Boy. Castle was fairly sure Josh Davidson knew how he felt about Beckett and because of that he hated Rick. That became rather clear back at the hospital. And made it even harder for Castle this summer, the knowledge that Josh could be there for Beckett and help her day after day. Meanwhile she didn't even know how he, Rick felt about her!

"We broke up." she stated, stopping Castle's train of thoughts. He looked at her again in shock, searching her face but it was neutral. If anything, she seemed unimpressed.

And he couldn't help the excited flutter of his heart as his mind processed the information. Josh was out of the picture. She was single again. She was single and she was here and he was still hurt and angry but damn it, she could always get to him with this. She could make him completely confused and unsure of his own feelings with just this one sentence.

But before he could say anything, before he could make up his mind, she looked straight into his eyes, giving him a look that he couldn't figure out then she turned on her heels and walked away. Just like that. Without looking back. And Castle just stood there in the doorway of his loft, staring after her as she stepped into the elevator, still not turning back to face him. He was gazing at her form with his mouth hanging open, wildly searching his mind for something to stop her. To call after her. Wondering what had just happened.

And the elevator doors slid closed behind her.

**So, this was it. Still a bit angsty, but I promise you there will be a happy end! :)  
I really hope you guys liked it, please tell me what you thought in a review! I can't wait to hear your opinion about it, your words mean the world to me! :)  
Thank you all for reading and a huge thanks to those of you who take time to write me a few words! :)  
Next chapter, hopefully in a week, but I can't make any promises because I'll be on school trip! I will do my best though… Until then, xxx **


	9. Chapter 9

**Hey guys! First of all, I hate to have to say this again, but I'm so sorry for the delay. Truth be told, I had absolutely no time to write during the class trip so I kind of finished this chapter in the last three days. I have to say, it is so different from what I had planned that I was surprised myself when I finished it. I hope you guys will like it anyways…:)**

**Thank you all for the wonderful feedback on last chapter! Every alert and favorite made me happy and every single review I got made me giddy like a little girl! Seriously, knowing that you guys like the story means the whole world to me! :)**

_Disclaimer: Sadly, I still don't own Castle…_

_Chapter 9_

"And then I left. I don't know, I was just suddenly so angry at him. _Of course_ I could get his attention with that. Saying I broke up with Josh. Why was that the only thing that mattered to him?" she groaned, raking her fingers through her hair in frustration. It was so childish that she could only get to him by his jealousy.

When he left her standing there on the street all alone she felt broken, she thought he didn't feel anything for her anymore. She felt like she blew her chance if she ever had one. If they ever had one. She was so sure he wouldn't want her anymore. Not that she broke up with Josh to fall into the arms of Castle, but the idea of losing his love made her sick. So she was rather upset about his cold behavior until she saw his face go blank at the mention of the breakup.

It gave her mixed feelings. On the one hand she was incredibly helpless and angry because how come it was the only thing that mattered to him enough? How come he didn't listen to her apology, didn't even try to understand why she disappeared but he lost all his distance and iciness as soon as she mentioned she wasn't with Josh anymore? But on the other hand, a wave of relief washed over her at seeing that it still affected him to know that she was available again. That he still had feelings for her.

"I don't know Kate, you tell me. You still don't remember anything?" Dr. Burke asked her calmly and Beckett swallowed. She still hadn't told him about what happened. Well, not what she remembered. She told him the lie she had told her friends, that she didn't remember anything. She knew she should confess, knew that it would help her recovering but she just couldn't do it yet.

"No, I...No." she shook her head, feeling like a coward. Next time, she promised herself, next time she would tell Dr. Burke.

It wasn't like the psychiatrist would tell anyone, he was bound by the oath he took. And she couldn't lie to him about something this important. About something that caused her sleepless nights and nightmares and flashbacks to haunt her. She should be able to deal with it. Also, the doctor would maybe be able to give her advice on the matter of Castle's 'I love you'.

"Look Kate, I want to help you, I really do. But right now, I'm a little lost. I thought you broke up with Josh because you weren't in love with him. I took an educated guess and thought you liked Castle then. But then why does it bother you that he reacted like that to you being single?" Dr. Burke asked, his deep voice washing over her like a relaxing tune.

"What bothers me is...It's that he acted all cold and neutral and he wouldn't listen to my apology. I get it, he is mad at me, he has all the right to be but why can't he just try and see it from my point of view?" she asked throwing her hands up in the air, starting to get worked up.

"Maybe he is hurt. You told me about the summer he left. Just remember how painful that was for you. And he didn't even know if you were alright. Try to think about it from his point of view, what if he was the one who got shot and you didn't hear from him all summer long..." the doctor suggested and Kate closed her eyes for a moment. She could imagine it all too perfectly. The emptiness, the ever present, heavy ache in her chest. The worry and helplessness.

"I broke up with Josh because it wasn't working. I didn't do it because of Castle." she murmured, mostly just to herself, not to convince the doctor.

"It's clear that you and Castle have something special. Something that you value Kate. And I feel like there is something that you are keeping from me, something heavy that presses down on your shoulder, something that needs to be dealt with. It's okay if you don't want to tell me just yet, if you don't feel ready. But Kate, please try to come to terms with it. Try to work it out in your head to be able to talk about it with Castle later. He is hurt and he deserves a proper apology. You can't take him for granted. Whatever it is that is hanging between you two, talk to him about it, don't run away!" Dr. Burke said and then he glanced at his watch and closed the folder in his hands, a thing he did every time their session was over.

Kate set both her feet on the ground and stood up just as the psychiatrist stepped behind his massive desk and put her file in a drawer.

"Well then, I will see you in a week Kate! If anything happens you know where to find me!" he told her warmly, just like he did every time.

"Thank you!" Kate said with a hint of a smile on her face. She liked him, she really did. He listened to what she had to say but didn't pressure her about the things she wasn't comfortable sharing.

She said goodbye and then left the office, crossed the waiting room and exited the building.

She turned left and jogged across the road to the spot where she parked her car. She needed a coffee before she went back to the precinct so she quickly eased the car into the early afternoon traffic and headed to her favorite coffee shop near the 12th.

She concentrated on driving, willing her brain not to think about Castle just yet.

After she ordered her usual grand skim latte with two pumps of vanilla she waited on the side, checking her phone for any messages. She had a voicemail from Esposito, telling her that they caught a lead on the current case. She texted back and told him she would be there in ten minutes then she put the cell phone back into her pocket.  
"Grand skim latte for Kate?" she heard and she stepped up to the counter with a smile.

"Thanks." she murmured as she closed her fingers around the warm cup.

She took a sip of the coffee, the smooth, hot liquid sliding down her throat, leaving a comfortable burn on its wake.

Kate stepped out of the coffee shop, intent on getting back to the precinct as fast as she could. This was her first case since she was back from leave and as much as she hated to admit it she could feel its toll on herself. She got used to a slow, calm life over the summer and now the rush of the city, no matter how much she had craved it by the end of her leave, made her more tired than ever.

She walked towards her car with determined strides, her eyes traveling her surroundings lazily. Her gaze got caught up on a vegetable store with many different fruits and vegetables displayed on tables along the pavement. Mushrooms, parsnips, heads of lettuces, pears, strawberries and apples. Shiny, rounded, red apples.

And suddenly she couldn't help the memory that invaded her mind, coming from nowhere, completely out of the blue and making her steps falter momentarily.

_"Cuff him!" she barked to the officers waiting behind Castle who moved instantly._

_"Oh, bondage…" he grunted with a smug smirk on his face that made her crazy. "My safe word is __apples__!" he added, eyeing her like he knew exactly what he did to her and that angered her further._

_"Oh, there's no need to be gentle…"_

Kate shook her head slightly to break herself out of the memory and forced her legs to move again. The last thing she needed was to start to think about him. She had a case to focus on, she had to get back to the precinct and help the boys. She couldn't allow herself to dwell on memories of Castle right now.

She got to her car and put the takeaway cup on the top of the car as she reached into her pocket for her keys. She looked down the length of the street, thinking that maybe she should just leave her car here instead of driving a block or two to park it closer to the precinct. As she was considering her options a group of people walked by her and she caught a few lines of their conversation.

"I can't believe that Tommie comes to the same school as our Rob." a young woman squealed.

"Yeah, isn't it ironic that we happened to bump into each other? It's like fate…" she heard the reply and Kate had the urge to turn around and protest, tell them that no, it wasn't irony. It was coincidence.

_"The irony is it never would have connected them. We don't go through a victim's mail unless there is a probable cause and warrant first." she said with a soft smile, staring out the windshield._

_"Thank you." he said after a second of silence and she glanced at him in confusion_

_"For what?" she asked surprisedly._

_"For using irony correctly. Ever since that Alanis Morissette song people use it when they actually mean coincidence. Drives me nuts!"_

This time the images flooded her brain before she could realize what was happening. She almost knocked her coffee off the car as she reached for it. She squeezed her eyes shut and drew in a deep breath, trying not to get frustrated. Why did everything remind her of Castle?

But of course she knew why, because she was trying her best to avoid thinking of him. She decided the best she could do was ignore her brain and get back to work where she would have something to keep her occupied. She got into her car, took another sip before putting the cup into the holder and started the car.

She must have left the radio turned on because the last chords of a song filled the speakers as soon as the engine came to life. Then came the slogan of the channel and the advertisements started. Kate's finger hesitated over the button for a moment but then she chose to leave it on. Maybe it would keep her mind off certain things.

She couldn't have been more wrong. After an _Oreo _ad and some kind of a festival's loud commercial a smooth, charming tone, if anyone can call a tune charming, sounded and a woman started speaking.

"Captivating stories from a ruggedly handsome writer, the Master of the Macabre. Richard Castle's new book, the latest part of the Nikki Heat series, Naked Heat is in the stores. Get it before it gets cold! Barnes and Noble books now only…"

Her hand moved before the sentence was over, her finger slamming down on the button with frightening force, threatening to break the radio.

"Damn it!" she hissed, pressing gas and going a bit faster than she was supposed to then switching gears violently.

She almost knocked into the vehicle in front of her so she had to step on the brake in a rush, making the whole car jerk and the seatbelt cut into her chest painfully.

"Shit!" she groaned, tears suddenly springing to her eyes for a second before she blinked them away.

The feeling that she couldn't escape her own thoughts was spreading in her, leaving the bitter taste of fear. What was she going to do now? If she was met with Castle everywhere she went, anywhere she looked then there was no way she could concentrate on something else. She couldn't run, couldn't hide from it. She had learned long ago that there was no use in going against fate. Or her own brain. If it wanted to focus on him and throw memories of him at her then it was unstoppable. She had to surrender to the thought that everything would bring up a new Castle-memory in her. Another memory that would fill her with regret or guilt or worry or just in general, pain. Every happy memory, every laugh, every single stupid joke would make her heart ache with longing and sorrow. Every angry one would make her more angry, feeling betrayed. Every 'always' would break her into tiny pieces over and over again...

That, or she could choose to think stuff through. Just like Dr. Burke had advised her to do.

"Okay..." she sighed, carefully pushing on gas this time when the queue moved. She drove through the intersection just to stop on the other side and judging by the traffic jam she knew she would be stuck for another ten to fifteen minutes.

_Great! Just wonderful..._, she thought and she drummed on the steering wheel with her fingers.

It was inevitable then.

Castle. That infuriating, childish man. That stubborn asshole. Kate knew she was being absolutely unfair but it felt good to call him names, even only in her head.

Why was she so mad at him indeed? She didn't know, she really didn't. Her anger just came in an overwhelming wave, making her storm away when he was just ready to talk to her. Did she expect him to run after her? Or at least call out, make her stop somehow...

And why on Earth would he act like a drama queen, not accepting her apology?

And again, she stopped herself. It wasn't right to think that. Castle was hurt, she hurt him a lot with disappearing without a word, promising him she would call then failing to keep that promise. She knew exactly how it hurt, she knew from experience. She knew her own reasons, good reasons for staying away and pushing him away but he didn't know them. He was stuck in the darkness about everything she did and she knew how that felt. And it must have been a hundred times worse for him because... Because of what he said. There was no use in denying it, in pretending it didn't happen. Or that it didn't affect her the way it did. He said he loved her, he said it in the worst possible timing, but he said it and it put her at crossroads. In a situation where she had to decide what to do next. And because she didn't know just what to do, because she was broken and confused she tried to stall. She lied. To Castle, her friends, hell even to herself!

God, he said he loved her! She had spent all her summer thinking of that, trying to figure out what to do and she was still there. Back at step one. Or step zero. He said it. And she died. But came back to life and now she had to face the consequences. And part of her was mad at him for putting her in that spot. What did he expect? That she would miraculously stop bleeding out and look him in the eye and tell him she loved him too and kiss him? Like in fairytales? No, he must have known it wouldn't happen like that.

But she had to admit, his words did make her fight harder. She wanted to live. For him. For them.

And now there she was, alive and well and she wasn't even on speaking terms with the man she loved.

The man she loved... That was it, she loved him. She knew it now just like she knew it all summer long. Maybe even back then in the cemetery, lying on the ground with her life's blood pouring out of her... She loved him with all she had but she was afraid. Oh so afraid. Of what it would mean, what it would bring, what it would change...

Her subconscious made her broke up with Josh, or maybe it was the rational part of her. She knew it wasn't fair to string him along, especially when she knew it would never work out between them. It was kind of long overdue. She was just... Well to quote someone who knew her like nobody else, she was '_hiding in relationships with men she didn't love_'!

She screwed up. Big time. Healing wasn't an excuse to shut everyone out. It wasn't an excuse to run away and ignore what happened. Dr. Burke told her on one of their earlier sessions that ignorance was a way of dealing with things. And it seemed like it was her way of coping.

But Castle deserved more than that. Their friendship deserved more. The psychiatrist was right, he deserved a proper apology. What's more, he deserved the truth! The whole truth and only the truth. No lies, no hiding, no denying. And an apology on top!

She needed him. Maybe she had already ruined their chance at a relationship, something she would never ever forgive herself, but she would work to fix it every day for the rest of her life if necessary. And until she managed to get there, she needed him in any way or form he was ready to be with her. As a friend, as a partner. It didn't matter to her as long as he was there... And she would do anything to let him see that.

Kate let out a deep sigh and with that she felt part of the heavy weight pushing down on her heart fade away. The line has moved to now she was about a block away from the precinct, she could already see the building and the marble pillars and the flags waving in the breeze.

She reached for her coffee and took another sip, the beverage still burning hot on her tongue. The line moved again and she noticed a free parking spot just to her left so she maneuvered the car out of traffic and parked it on the side of the road.

She got out and felt more alive than she had felt in days. The early September air caressed her face and swept through her hair, bringing the various scents of autumn to invade her senses. She let a smile take over her face as she started towards the precinct, feeling hopeful and energetic. Yes, they would solve the case and she would go home early and she would pour herself a glass of wine and she would have a bath. And then she would snuggle up with her pillows on the couch and call Castle. Try to sort everything out with him. Or maybe she would just show up at his door again and not leave until she managed to convince him that she was so very sorry and that she was ready to fight for him.

These were her thoughts as she climbed the few steps leading to the entrance and she swung the door open. She waved a greeting to the doorman who was on call behind the desk and she nodded to the officers who were around the hall, waiting for a call or just reporting to their trainers. Some of them regarded her with hidden envy in their eyes but others watched her with nothing but respect and loyalty and she was proud to see that. She remembered her own days as a rookie, remembered watching the detectives work from afar and dreaming that someday she would become one of them. And here she was now…

Sometimes she just forgot to appreciate her life. It wasn't perfect, nobody's life was. But she had a good life. She worked for it hard, she had her own ups and downs… Maybe a little bit more downs than it was needed. She knew pain and she knew happiness. But now, now she was at a good place. And sometimes she just needed to pause and see that. Castle had helped her to do just that. See the good in her life, see the light when she thought all that surrounded her was darkness. He helped her hope and he had hope in her even when she lost hope in herself. And that was only one of the many reasons she needed him..

She turned right to the elevators and saw that one of them was on the ground floor, just closing its doors and she decided to make a run for it.

Her hand shot into the gap between the two sides of the door and she felt the force of it press against her palm for a second before it gave way. The doors slid open again and she stepped inside with a smile playing on her face, feeling victorious and excited like a little child.

However, the smile quickly fell from her face when her eyes found the person standing in the elevator.

**So, this was it. What do you guys think? I'm dying to know what your thoughts are because this chapter sort of… I don't know wrote itself and it got out of hand a little. I really hope you liked it though!  
Please tell me your opinion in a review! It would make my day so much happier! :)  
Thank you all for reading and a huge thanks to those who take time to write me a couple of words! I hope you know, your support is a great encouragement and inspiration for me! :)  
I just thought I would let you guys know that this story will have about two or three more chapters, depends on how much I will have to say and how longs chapters are going to be. I'm still trying to figure out the perfect ending, even though I have a general idea in my head I haven't quite worked out the details yet so I'm doing that now…:)  
Next chapter will be up in a week, now I will really not be late! I will try to be faster and update sooner because I hate being late and I hate missing deadlines even if they are only set by myself… Anyways, I'll do my best to hurry! Until then, xxx**


	10. Chapter 10

**Hey guys! First of all, thank you all for the wonderful feedback on last chapter and also the encouragement and your understanding! I hope you guys know that I'm so grateful for each and every one of you! :)  
Here is the new chapter, with some more thoughts from Kate and a lot from Castle. I know it's a bit shorter than usual but I didn't want to stretch it any longer. I had a hard time writing the end but I hope it won't be too noticeable! I hope you guys will like it! :) **

_Disclaimer: Nope, I wish I owned it but I still don't…_

_Chapter 10_

"Castle?"

Her question cut through the soft hum of the elevator, sounding like a nervous squeak. If she didn't know it was her who asked it, she wouldn't have recognized her own voice.

The elevator doors closed behind her but she barely noticed it. She just stood there, her eyes fixed on him.

He was staring down at the ground with a grim and thoughtful expression on his face, not looking up until she spoke.

The air around them froze as he lifted his eyes to her and Kate felt like everything stopped. Their eyes met, blue connecting with hazel and she saw so many emotions passing through him at that moment, it made her breathless. She saw the initial anger and hurt, she saw his eyes flicker to the door behind her as his instincts to run kicked in. She almost smirked at that, usually from the two of them she was the one who tended to run. But there was also a strange sparkle of hope in his crystal blues, a glint similar to the one he used to have in his eyes when he looked at her.

"Beckett..." he rasped and she saw as his throat worked while he swallowed.

As she stared at him, suddenly it hit her how much she had missed him. Missed working side by side with him, missed seeing him every day.

She ran her eyes over his face and Dr. Burke's words replayed in her head.

_"Whatever it is that is hanging between you two, talk to him about it, don't run away!"_

And she knew that it was time. This was her chance to speak up, talk to him and tell him everything. He deserved the truth. The whole truth and nothing but the truth.

So she took a deep, calming breath, gathering all her courage and she looked him straight in the eye.

* * *

Castle stared numbly into blank space in front of him. The walls of the elevator blurring at the corners of his vision.

Here he was, standing in the familiar elevator of the 12th precinct, yet feeling like a complete stranger. Totally out of place. The files he gripped in his hand felt cold and heavy, he wished nothing more than just to get rid of them.

He shouldn't have come. He should have asked Alexis to bring the case documents in or he should have mailed them directly to Ryan or Esposito's place. He shouldn't have come here where he could easily run into her.

Or maybe that was exactly why he came, wasn't it?

He didn't have any sleep that night, he just tossed and turned in his bed, wondering how things had gotten so out of hand. Asking himself if he was at fault here. If anybody was at all... Asking himself if he should call her. He knew he wanted to. Oh yes, how he longed to speak to her, hear her voice, ask her about Josh and the breakup. Make sure it wasn't only his imagination, his crazy mind playing tricks with him. But every time he changed his mind, each time with a different reason. It was the middle of the night. She must be angry with him. He was still furious with her. Wasn't he?

Damn her that she could get to him so easily! With only those three freaking words. Damn her for making him fall for her so hard...

And now, as he stood there in the elevator his heart was fluttering wildly in his chest at the thought that maybe he would see her. Maybe they would be able to talk. How funny, he thought, just half a day ago he didn't even want to hear from her. He was so angry at her he left her alone, standing in the middle of the street, staring after him. And now, now he wished they could talk.

He missed her. Not seeing her all summer he almost forgot how good it was to be able to just gaze at her face for long minutes while she was immersed in something, usually an especially hard case or just paperwork. How wonderful it felt to be caught by her from time to time, to receive a death glare or an eye roll while the blush that crept up her cheeks betrayed her.

When she showed up at the book signing, he was too shocked and then too angry to really appreciate the fact that she was there again.

But somehow those three words, 'we broke up' broke the dam in him. Suddenly that wall of ice and coldness and carelessness that he quickly built up inside himself to protect his heart from her just broke down. He wanted to hurt her back, he wanted her to think he didn't care anymore, even if it wasn't the case. He wanted to seem distant and cool.

But he should have known better, Kate Beckett could always get to him.

With these thoughts he pressed the button of the homicide floor and waited for the doors to close.

He had convinced himself that he was there to get out of this mess, he was there to get rid of the file and quit the investigation altogether. Now he needed to admit that it wasn't his only intention. Now he knew that part of him hoped he would run into Beckett. See her once more before he completely left that world behind himself.

Would he be able to do that? Of course, he wouldn't stop returning the boys' calls, he wouldn't recline every invitation to drinks or poker nights. But he wouldn't be shadowing her anymore. He wouldn't bring her coffee every morning just to see that brilliant smile brighten up her face.

It made his heart clench painfully in his chest. He loved her. God how he loved her. Her hair, her face, her eyes, her smile, her voice. He adored everything about Kate Beckett. But it also made him vulnerable. She was his weak spot.

And she hurt him. Hurt him bad. And he didn't think that his heart could take it anymore. He had always come back, hoping that someday she would stop pretending, open her eyes and see that he was right there. Give him a chance. Every time she pushed him away, he came back. He was like a boomerang, a magnet. Always being drawn back by her.

But it has come to a point where his heart was too broken. And as he started to mend it together again after her, he realized he wouldn't be able to do it once more. If she broke him again, he would be unrepairable. He had already been spiraling down into a dark hole and he could barely struggle out. He couldn't risk his heart again.

So even though it hurt like hell he had to let her go. Let go of this illusion, this perfect image of happiness with Kate. The image of a life with her, waking up beside her every morning and having breakfast in bed on her day offs. One of a perfect, white wedding with Alexis and Lanie being bridesmaids, the latter crying her eyes out, and with Kate's father smiling proudly as he led his daughter to the altar. Kate's happy, carefree beam as she said 'I do'. The image of children, giggling little ones, the perfect mingle of him and her. With sparkling blue eyes an gorgeous auburn locks.

He had to say goodbye to all that. And it was hard. It was painful.

So here he was, hoping for a last chance to talk to her, see her smile maybe before it was time to say adieu.

He gazed down at the floor of the elevator as the doors began to slide closed, feeling nervous and confused all of a sudden, his fingers getting a bit sweaty around the files.

He couldn't decide which would be easier, seeing her once more or not. Deep down in his heart he longed to see her, to talk to her and maybe figure things out. But how could they do that? They never talked...

But then again, he could never leave her just like that. Without a word, without a proper goodbye. She meant to much to him.

Yes, maybe that was why he was here in the first place. He needed to see her, clear things up. Ask her about why she and Josh broke up. He convinced himself that it was about something else, but he had to realize actually he was giving them another chance. He just needed to know.

The story. The damn story that always got to him. Damn Kate Beckett again and again for being mysterious and making him hang on her every word, every movement.

God how he loved her. Even as he tried his best not to, knowing it would be better if he didn't. He loved her. And the heart wanted what he heart wanted.

Castle was so deep in thought, wondering of the great mystery that Kate Beckett was, what love was, that he didn't even notice the hand shooting between the automatic doors, stopping them and the person who stepped into the elevator with a flourish.

That is until that person spoke up with an unmistakable voice, making a chill run through him.

"Castle?"

He blinked once, making sure that he wasn't just imagining her voice. But no, he could see her shoes, the killer high heel boots that made her taller and her legs even more slender.

He took a deep breath, trying to calm his suddenly racing heart. He wasn't ready to see her, to talk to her. Yes, he hoped to bump into her but he wasn't ready for it. He didn't expect to meet her so soon and now they were in this closed space together, just the two of them and he could feel the tension in the air, vibrating and heavy. It made him want to flee but the doors had already closed, he was trapped.

He dragged his eyes away from the ground and up until they settled on her face. There was a hint of a quickly fading smile in her eyes, just a sparkle that was swallowed by surprise and discomfort and maybe some desperation.

"Beckett..." he muttered, his throat dry.

A small, hesitant smile curled up her lips again and she averted her eyes for a second before meeting his gaze bravely.

"What… what are you…You came back?" she asked him and his stomach tightened. Was that hope in her voice? Or just surprise?

"I…uh…" he couldn't answer straight away. He couldn't help it, she still took his breath away, made him speechless. He didn't know if she knew that the new captain, Captain 'Iron' Gates practically kicked him out. And he didn't even fight her. He knew he could easily find a way back, he knew all he needed was a phone call to Bob and Iron Gates would back away with her tails between her legs but he just stopped caring. There was nothing for him to be there for. No reason to fight. She must know, he was almost sure the boys had told her. She must have asked where he was… Right? Yeah, she must have…

He realized she was still waiting for his reply, looking at him with a slightly tilted head and a raised eyebrow. She was infuriatingly cute. _Why? Just why…?_

"I just came to give you this." he said after he remembered that he was still clutching the case files in his hands. As he extended it towards her he noticed that the edges became wrinkled and a bit wet from his hand.

He glanced up at her and then away again, waiting for her to take the file. He couldn't look at her, couldn't allow himself to get lost in her because he was walking on thin ice now. One wrong move or word and he would be gone, he would fall. He felt confused and unsteady. And hurt. Over all, just so freaking hurt and lost.

She reached for the yellow folder with narrowed eyebrows and a perplexed expression. Her fingers closed around the papers and Castle let go of it instantly.

His job was done here. He got the files to her safely and from now on she could go on with her investigation. No need for him to stay anymore. He saw her for one last time… But then why did leaving feel so bad right now? Why did it break his heart more than anything before?

He felt the start of it, the pull that started the fall. And he couldn't allow that, it was time to leave now. Until he could.

"Uh…thanks." she murmured but it sounded so uncertain, more like a question really. She wasn't looking at him now, she was staring down at the papers in her hands, the folder still closed but Castle could imagine just how much she wanted to open it and start to study them already. How the fresh leads, the clues they found over the summer called for her. Just like he felt his falling, he could almost feel hers as well. It killed him to know that she would burry herself into these files, she would spend night after night looking through reports and thinking about it. Just thinking and thinking, trying to figure it out. Obsessed.

Her fingers moved just slightly towards the edge of the folder but stopped before reaching it. She tapped her index finger twice on the paper inaudibly and really if he wasn't staring so shamelessly, he wouldn't have noticed it at all.

The elevator came to a halt with a ding and Castle finally looked away and at the opening doors. There was his chance to escape, a way out. It didn't matter on which floor they were, he would just take the stairs down. He didn't need to go up to homicide now, he gave her the file.

He involuntarily looked back at Beckett and their eyes met. He could see it in her eyes that she knew exactly what was in his head. She knew that he was going to flee the awkward scene. And he also saw a wave of disappointment and sorrow cross her face which made him hesitate for a second. He saw a flicker of something, saw her take a breath and prepare to say something. Something that he didn't want to hear just yet. He wasn't ready to hear another apology or a try to make them right again. He needed to figure out what he wanted before that happened.

Castle broke the eye contact and with a slight, apologetic smile he walked past her. He only looked straight ahead, knowing that once glance sideways at her would make him stop. It would make him reconsider everything. It would make his heart break. So he fixed his eyes on the currently empty hallway (_why was it empty in the first place, didn't somebody call the elevator?_, the thought flashed through his brain) and moved the exit the elevator.

"Castle wait!" her voice made him freeze again, just in mid-step, almost out of the elevator. Her tone was a bit breathy and hoarse. She cleared her throat and he squeezed his eyes shut, not turning around.

"What?" he asked, trying to sound uninterested and cold.

"I… There is something I need to tell you." she said and she sounded so serious Castle's heart started to race.

"Beckett… I really don't think this is the right time. I'm…I'm sorry." he shook his head and took another step forward, intent on leaving this time. He felt the pull that urged him to stop and go back to her, talk it all out but he also felt the burning pain of heartache in his chest.

"Rick!" his first name rolling off her tongue made his lungs tighter. Oh how he loved as she said that. "I…I lied." she admitted, her voice trailing off shyly.

He ran a hand through his hair in frustration and he repressed a groan. Why couldn't he just walk on when he still had the chance? Why did he care?

"About what?" he muttered through gritted teeth, more angry at himself for being interested than at her. His hands that he shoved into his jacket pockets the second he gave her the file now were curled into fists.

Her next words however made his blood run cold and his brain go completely blank.

"I… I remember. I remember the shot. I remember everything…"

**So, this was it. What do you guys think? I'm really interested in your opinions so please write me a review! Even if it's just a couple of words, it would mean the world to me to know what you thought! :)  
Thank you all for reading and an enormous thanks to those of you who take time to review! I love you guys!  
This story will have one more chapter and then an epilogue, I just thought I would let you know! :)  
The next chapter will be up, at the latest in a week! Until then, xxx**


	11. Chapter 11

**Hey guys! Sorry for the slight delay, I had a crazy week. Anyways, thank you all so much for the feedback on last chapter! You made my whole day brighten up! I was truly very happy! :)**

**Now, this is the last chapter of this story. After this there will be an epilogue and then that's it.**

**I hope you'll enjoy it! :)**

_Disclaimer: Oh how I wish I owned this show. But sadly I still don't..._

_Chapter 11_

_"I… I remember. I remember the shot. I remember everything…"_

Her words were hanging in the air and Kate stood with her breath held, waiting anxiously to see his reaction. She didn't need to elaborate, they both knew exactly what 'everything' meant.

She was afraid. Terrified of the possibility that he might just keep walking and leave without a word.

But he seemed completely rigid, his shoulders stiff and tense and his whole posture radiating tension.

She bit her lower lip as he excruciatingly slowly turned around to face her and she searched for his face, his eyes to tell her how he felt. However, even as he was completely facing her, she couldn't read his features. His face was blank and if it wasn't for his wide eyes with wild flames burning in his crystal blues, she would have thought he didn't even hear her.

"Since when?" he asked the question she feared the most. Her heart contracted nervously as she considered her options. She could tell him the thought and risk hurting him even more, loosing him for good. Or she could tell him a half-truth about how she just started to remember the important things. Or she could lie altogether and tell him she only remembered a couple of days ago, as a result of the therapy.

But she didn't need to think about it too hard, she had already decided what she would go with. She had decided it when she promised herself she would only tell him the truth. So she would take the risk and admit the whole truth to him.

"I..." she started and then broke off as she met his eyes. She silently, wordlessly begged him to understand her, to listen to her and see the sense of what she did. Because she didn't want to loose him. She might have made a bad choice and been away all summer long, never calling, never making any contact but she was here now, ready to fight. But this time not with him but for him. For them. "I never forgot." she murmured.

She could see how he looked just as if she slapped him. Or stabbed him with a knife. And then turned that knife in his heart. All the blood left his face, leaving him pale and sickly looking and for a moment she considered rushing to his side to catch him if he fell. But then she saw the anger take over his features and she thought maybe it was better she ran. If looks could kill…

Seeing the hurt written all across his face made her feel terrible, it made her heart shatter into tiny pieces, it made her hate herself with a totally new force. And seeing the anger in his eyes, she couldn't help but think that she deserved it. She deserved all of it! It put a heavy stone in her chest, pressing down, suffocating her. But she deserved it.

"All this time, you remembered?" he asked, his voice barely audible from the heavy emotions that made it break.

"I...You have to understand, Castle..." she started but he didn't let her go on.

"Understand what, Kate?" he interrupted, snapping at her, hissing the words through his teeth. "That you thought it would be better to just disappear. To let me think you didn't even hear me just because you didn't feel the same way? You thought it would hurt me less, that it was the samaritanian thing to do, right?" he spat and she felt like standing in a crazy snowstorm. So this was what it was about. That he thought she didn't feel like that... It was all about his confession?

The only warmness that she felt was the shock and anger that surged through her as his words registered in her brain. He thought she did this because she didn't reciprocate his feelings? He seriously believed she pushed him away because she was afraid to reject him?

"Castle you don't get it!" she tried to tell him. He needed to know, that she only wanted to protect him from the wreck she was. She was confused and she needed some distance to see things clearly again. How could he think she didn't feel the same way?

She thought of all those moments they had together, all the times her stomach fluttered in nervous excitement around him, the touches and looks and smiles and the many 'always' they shared. Couldn't he see the sparkle in her eye? The way her cheeks blushed? Didn't he see the affection in her eyes? The love? Because it was love, she had come to realize it. She loved him.

"Oh I get it, Kate." he said darkly, the sound of her name making her shiver. Why did he only have to call her Kate when the situation was very serious, and most likely dangerous or negative?

_I love you, Kate._

The words echoed in her head, just like the shot and the pain. The fight against darkness and the misery and confusion that followed.

"I get it. You didn't want to hurt me, you just didn't realize you would hurt me even more like this, right? You thought we could stay friends. And I would have tried, Kate, God's my witness I would have tried to be your friend and partner if you had just told me. Honestly. Like friends do." he said and by the time he finished, the fury faded away and all that was left was disappointment and a hint of bitterness.

Just enough to make her want to throw herself off Brooklyn Bridge.

"It's okay, I got over it, Beckett. Or got used to it, I don't know..." he muttered and she glanced at him through the curtain of her tears. Why was he doing this? She knew she hurt him, she was also familiar with this stupid crazy urge that told people to hurt the ones who caused them pain. She had done it before was well. But she thought... She thought they could have a chance. She thought she saw something in his eyes yesterday night, she thought he loved her enough to put his damaged pride aside until they talked it out. She thought he would fight as well.

The elevator dinged again and as the doors slid open she saw the familiar hallway of the homicide floor in front of her. She didn't even notice when it started moving again. This was where she was supposed to get off but she didn't move an inch. She didn't want to run anymore. She wanted to fight.

But Castle didn't seem to be on the same opinion. As soon as he heard the doors move he looked over his shoulder and then turned towards the way to escape. Before exiting the elevator he looked back at her once more and the emotion that flashed across his face as he ran his eyes over her face was what broke her out of her thoughts and made her take a step after him and reach out to grasp his arm. It was one of remorse and sorrow and saying goodbye, one that gave her the impression he was taking one last look at her to engrave it in his memory. It betrayed his cool, careless attitude and told her about his inner turmoil, showed her the man that still loved her and wanted to remember her.

And as her fingers closed around his strong forearm she would have bet she heard him suck in a short breath.

"You're wrong." she said still to the back of his head and she stepped even closer as she pulled on his arm to turn him back around, towards herself. "You got it all wrong, Castle..." she murmured as he finally looked at her.

"What are you talking about?" he asked, his voice low and defeated.

"Why would you think I did what I did because I didn't feel the same way?" she asked quietly and his eyes snapped up to hers, widening in disbelief.

...

He didn't believe what she was implying. He didn't dare. He couldn't.

_"Why would you think I did what I did because I didn't feel the same way?"_

Her words rolled around and around his mind, louder and blurrier every time.

Could this mean what he thought? What he wished? What he longed to hear for almost a year now? Could the sparkle in her hazel eyes mean what he craved for? Or was it just the fear of loosing a friend that made her say things like that and look so flustered.

"Because I do." she whispered when he didn't say a thing just stared at her.

He felt like he needed something to hold onto. But there was nothing so the best he could hope for was that he wouldn't just sway on the spot and fall. The hope soared up in him like an ugly disease, spreading in his body, originating from his traitorous heart and radiating all through his system, making even his fingertips sizzle with it.

"God Castle, I did what I did because of that." she said, her voice a bit stronger now as she ran her fingers through her soft hair. His eyes followed the movement, getting lost in the way the curls tumbled down onto her shoulders. "Because I was so damn confused and broken. I wanted to get to a place where I can be the kind of person I want to be and have a relationship that could work, that stood even the slightest chance. You're right, I didn't want to hurt you but not by rejecting you but by being with you while I was falling completely apart." she said and he was still speechless.

He just gazed at her in wonder with a considerable amount of doubt shining in his eyes. And she was letting him see everything, her face like an open book, lacking any built up mask, telling him how she felt.

"It was the wrong thing to do. And now I wish I had done it differently but I can't go back a change it. Your words caught me off guard and Montgomery was the third cop and he was dead and I had a bullet wound in the middle of my chest and you said you loved me and I just..." she trailed off, breathing in before composing herself a bit. "But I'm working on it. I'm working towards accepting it. I can see my mistake and I'm not asking you to forgive me right away, I know I deserve the anger, I'm just asking for you to give me a chance. A chance to be here and fight for this! Can you do that? Please?" she finished in a shaky voice.

Seconds stretched, feeling like long minutes and he just stood there, eyes fixed on her face, taking her in. He was unable to form the words to voice what he was thinking and feeling. He wasn't sure if it was because his head was spinning with unfocused, unconnected thoughts or if he didn't have the words to express his emotions.

So he just stared into her eyes, feeling like he could see into her very soul, into the depths of her heart. His heart thudded in his ear but he barely acknowledged it, he was so immersed in her and in his own, seemingly senseless thoughts.

"Say something!" she asked after a while, her eyes apprehensive and pleading. And instead of searching for words that for once in his lifetime just wouldn't come, he stepped forward and with all the recklessness he had, he leaned down and pressed his lips to hers.

Although, the kiss was gentle and shy it sent shockwaves through his whole body. It was nothing like their first kiss, though the passion cursing through his veins was even more overwhelming if possible. At first she seemed surprised but after a moment she moved some more towards him, their bodies now flush against each other, and she ran her hand slowly up his chest. He reached up and with a slightly trembling hand, he cupped her cheek tenderly, his fingers ghosting over her skin in a barely there touch. His other hand settled on her waist, still afraid that this was just a dream, just a figment of his imagination, the creation of his tired, lonely mind and soul that were longing for her. It all seemed too perfect. The way her body fit into his embrace, the complete synch in which their lips moved, her delicious scent surrounding him and the way the small strands of her silky hair caressed his fingers as his hand slipped into her hair.

Only when she gave a tiny, quiet moan of appreciation did he let himself start to believe that this was in fact, reality. He tried it out, angling her head a little so he'd have better access to her mouth and deepening the kiss just the slightest bit. Just to test the waters, just to see if he would suddenly jolt awake and find himself in his office, realizing he dozed off.

But Beckett wound both her arms around his neck reassuringly, opening her mouth and welcoming his probing tongue. Hers slid against his easily, causing him to grumble deep in his chest as he tightened his hold on her waist, desperately trying to get her body even closer to his.

He broke the connection of their lips and leaned in to plant a few sweet kiss on the skin of her neck. She arched her back, her fingers diving into his hair, nails scratching his skull as she urged him on, guided him.

Just as they started to get carried away a door slammed closed down the hallway and they slowly pulled apart. He saw her glance to the side, biting her lower lip as she did so and he had to repress to urge to kiss her again as he followed her line of view. The hallway was empty, they were still very much alone. The sound that made them stop must have come from a different part of the bullpen.

He turned his head back towards her, the worry over what she would do now etched his heart. Would she run away? Just like she always did... But no, she said this time she was there and she would fight. She meant that, right?

She blinked up at him with sparkling eyes and a tiny, playful smile hiding in the corners of her mouth. Castle felt as his own lips fell open and he gazed at her in awe with his mouth slightly agape, which only made her smile widen. She lifted one eyebrow in a silent question and that finally broke him out of his haze.

He pulled his hands back from around her body and moved just an inch away but to his biggest surprise, Beckett pressed her lips together in an adorable, disapproving pout and moved with him, never bringing her hands down from his neck.

That was the last straw and he dove in again, devouring that delicious mouth of hers, his lips crashing down on her swollen, red ones. She let out a sound between a laugh and a groan and it sent chills up and down his side.

She put her hands on his chest and pushed, her quiet giggle breaking free when their mouths parted. She looked into his eyes again and Castle knew he couldn't avoid speaking any longer. It was time for him to say something. Anything. The pressure was huge, he wanted to say something witty and awesome. But all he could think of was 'Wow!' and he doubted that would solve their problems.

„You still need to say something…" she whispered, her breath fanning over his cheek.

„I would much rather keep doing this." he told her and brushed his lips against her once.

„I know, me too. But I've been running and hiding for too long. I think we have much talking to catch up on." she said and he couldn't help but smile at her change of attitude and way of thinking. She did change over the summer for the better. He could already see that she was trying hard to be a better person, to open up and let him in. And it was the least he could do to back her up and help her. After all, that is what friends do. What partners do.

„Yes. We still have a lot to work on." he said seriously but smiled at her to soften the meaning. As long as she was willing to work on the problems. As long as she was there and not running away, he would be there as well. He would be open to solutions. Because it was Kate Beckett. And damn, Kate Beckett could always get to him! As long as she was willing to work for _them_, he would always fight for her as well.

He brought up his right hand and tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear tenderly then he stroked his thumb over her cheekbone and his heart raced as he saw the blush colouring her skin. He was so in love with this woman…

„What do you say, you come over tonight for dinner and we talk…?" he offered and her face lit up with a beam. He grinned as well and removing his hand from her face, he took a small step backwards.

„Sounds lovely." she nodded.

„Tonight then. At seven." he said and started back towards the elevator.

„Tonight." she agreed and watched from her place a few steps away as the elevator doors slid open and he stepped inside. He could feel her eyes on himself and sure enough, he was met with her mischievous smirk and the glint of her hazel eyes when he turned and pressed the button of ground floor on the wall.

He raised his hand and waved at her nervously and she pressed her palm to her mouth then blew him the kiss with a wink.

And just as the doors slid closed, Castle sighed happily then swayed his head. He guessed this was meant to be. They were writer and muse after all. Best friends and partners. This was Kate Beckett. Oh yes, it was always meant to end like this, he just didn't notice it coming...

And now it would be real. No more running. No more hiding. No more lies. They would finally talk.

Tonight.

**So this was it. What do you think? I hope you guys liked it but I'm really curious about your opinion so pretty please write me a review! It would make my day! Hell, my whole week! :)**

**Thank you all for reading and a gigantic thanks and lots of kisses to those of you who take time to review! I hope you know your support means the world to me!**

**The epilogue might be a little late because I'm going to Strasbourg today and I'll be there for a couple of days and I don't think I'll have much time to write but I'll do my best and try to update as soon as possible! Until then, xxx**


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